Christmas Candles at Joshua's Grave

Christmas Candles at Joshua's Grave

Jeremy, Jacob, Janson, Jamie and Selma 2014

Me - 2017

Our family tradition is for the kids to all stay overnight on Christmas Eve.  I love this - especially since they are all young adults now!  But it is never complete because we miss our Joshua boy!  This year, we brought candles, a small Christmas tree and decorations and went to Joshua's grave Christmas Eve night.  We each  held our lit candle, and shared stories about the blessing Joshua was in our life.  

Even in his trials, he was always a blessing.

As my friend Kelli Harris so compassionately stated, "Makes me cry and feel joy at the same time."

And that is how I feel about Joshua.  I have a million stories that bring me joy, sweet memories and peace.  But the sorrow of being apart for him for the rest of this life is more difficult than I can express.

I'm so thankful for my wonderful children, for the candles and memories we shared together at Joshua's grave on a cold, dark Christmas Eve night.

Jeremy & Kristen, Jamie & Christian, Janson & Syd, Selma, Jacob - 2017

A Tribute to Great-Grandma Selma Larson

A Tribute to Great-Grandma Selma Larson

I have often thought of Joshua in heaven, hugging his great-grandma Selma, 

and jubilantly calling "Where's Selma?"  

There is so much comfort knowing that this phrase still lives on!

Four Generation Picture

My Grandma Selma, who I was always so honored to be named after, lived about 30 miles away when Joshua was born and was in her early 80s.  She loved to call me on the phone and ask how Joshua was doing.  The beauty of her Swedish accent when she pronounced Joshua's name is one I will always treasure. There was no doubt of the love she had for Joshua, and for me, and for our entire family.  She was a beautiful, soft-spoken, sweet and wonderful grandma.  
I am so thankful to have the above 4-generation picture of my grandma, my dad, me and Joshua!

Grandma Selma holding Joshua!

A beautiful reminder of how she loved to look at Joshua!

My most cherished memories are my homemade Raggedy Ann dolls, homemade apricot jam, Saturdays at her house and climbing her apricot tree, and her delicious Swedish pancakes.  


She was a widow for many years and I love seeing the pictures of her and my grandpa dancing in their Swedish costumes.  Their faces are full of joy!

I have often thought of Joshua in heaven, hugging his great-grandma Selma, and jubilantly calling "Where's Selma?"  There is so much comfort knowing that this phrase still lives on!

My Grandma Selma died in her sleep on my 23rd birthday, when I was six months pregnant with Jeremy.  She was so excited for me to have another baby, and I know she is watching over us from heaven.  I love you Grandma!

A sweet and tender moment!

A Tribute to Grandpa & Grandma Larson - My Parents and Heroes

A Tribute to Grandpa & Grandma Larson

My Parents and Heroes

John & Carol Larson - My Wonderful Parents!

On December 18, 2014, my parents will have been married for 60 years!  I am forever thankful to be one of their 12 children!  They have sacrificed for each one of us, and their huge extended family through each one of their lives!  

My Parents with all 12 of my Siblings!

I clearly remember the day Joshua was born, and the excitement of my parents (he was the 4th of eventually 39 grandchildren).  I can still see my Dad sitting in the chair in my hospital room, and just chuckling with joy!  And my Mom was always looking for ways to help, to lift and bless my life as I adjusted to the demands of being a young mom.

Grandpa holding tight so Joshua won't run away!

And specifically with Joshua, they encouraged, babysat, took him places and especially loved him with all of their hearts.  Although Joshua could be very disruptive, he went to family birthday parties, vacations, reunions, and just loved to hang out at Grandpa & Grandma's house.  For years they gave us week-long breaks in the summer, until one day Joshua had some tough physical aggressions in the bank, and they got stuck and could not get him out.  At this point Joshua had grown much bigger and taller, and they had grown older.

Holding cousin Ashley!

Despite these challenges, they watched and support Joshua at school activities, special needs t-ball and soccer, Special Olympics and many other activities.  

One of our favorite family trips was to Zion National Park throughout Joshua's entire life, where Joshua would throw rocks, chairs, food and hats into the river.  We have many, many sweet memories of this.

They loved to hear their doorbell ring over and over, knowing that Joshua was about to burst in, saying "hi, hi, hi" and then immediately run happily into their backyard to play!  My Dad would jokingly hand me the Windex bottle because we knew by the end of our visit, Joshua's sticky fingerprints would be all over the glass sliding door and many other places.  

Joshua knew that Grandpa (Papa) and Grandma loved him, and this brought him joy throughout his life.  Enjoy some of my favorite pictures throughout the years!

Holding tight again at Zions!

At Uncle Doug's graduation.  Grandma took him everywhere!

More favorite moments with Papa!

A classic precious family picture watching slides.  Notice Joshua's obvious joy!

A Tribute to Joshua's Best Friend & Brother - Jeremy

This beautiful brotherly love is so evident!

A Tribute to Jeremy John Eisenstat

Joshua's Best Friend & Brother

How can I possibly express my gratitude for Joshua's "little big" brother Jeremy?  

The beginning of this best brother relationship began at Joshua's 2nd birthday party when my water suddenly broke!!  And Jeremy was born just under 4 hours later.  From that moment, January 26th was a special celebration of my two oldest boys!  And Jeremy and his friends always included Joshua in on the birthday celebration!  

Me with my adorable boys!

Jeremy was a very obedient child somehow knowing at an early age that I needed to hold on to Joshua, chase Joshua, and carry him all while Jeremy followed right along -- he was amazing!  Joshua loved knowing Jeremy was in the same bedroom, and many times would look over at Jeremy in the middle of the night and say "hi Jemma."  

A typical view of the fun they had!

One of my favorite stories happened when they were about 5 and 3 years old.  I had put them both to bed, but they would not stay in bed.  Over and over I would hear them out of bed, and I would go back in.  So finally, this last time, as I heard them playing and laughing, I thought I would catch them in the act and whipped open the door.  The difference in my boys stands out in my mind to this day.  Jeremy immediately "dove" back into bed and pretended he had been asleep all along!!  :)  And Joshua, looking at me with his beautiful and innocent eyes, simply said, "hi!"  Oh, how I loved my boys!!

Through the years I was always so thankful for Jeremy's love for his older brother.  Jeremy became the older brother as he matured, and Joshua stayed young, and is a blessing to all of his siblings!  

Holding tight to Joshua so he wouldn't run!

Another moment that stands out in my mind is when Joshua had an extremely hard seizure just outside the front door, and ended up with a gash, and bleeding badly.  Jeremy and I heard him thud against the front door at the same time, and worked together to hold onto him so he didn't injure himself further, and of course, we ended up with blood on us, and using all of our strength.  Jeremy said to me, "this is so hard."  I choke up just thinking about that statement still.  Yes it was extremely hard, and I am so thankful that you always rose to a greater height than I could have asked for as you loved and served him every day.



Here is the link to the talk Jeremy wrote for Joshua's funeral.
http://joshuasheartfullofhugs.blogspot.com/2013/01/brothers-forever-he-was-and-is-best-big.html

Jeremy helping his big brother!

Another sweet memory with my boys!

Joshua's joy at being with his brother!

Jeremy's hug right after they walked across the Pleasant Grove High School Graduation stage!

A Heavenly Birthday Wish

A Heavenly Birthday Wish

Every year on my birthday, a special treat I give myself is to listen to a beautiful video of Joshua wishing me a happy birthday about 15 years ago!  My incredible brother Doug captured this on video as he was trying to get Joshua to say "happy birthday" to me, his Mom.  As you can tell in the video, he was a little confused on whose birthday it was and he was very easily distracted. But there is no doubt how handsome, endearing and lovable he was too.

Here is the link to this very heavenly and beautiful birthday wish to me, his very thankful Mom!  This video is priceless beyond words!! 

https://www.facebook.com/videodoug/videos/t.658837442/10151757536781471/?type=2&video_source=user_video_tab

A Tribute to Jamie - Joshua's Only Sister

A Tribute to Jamie Donna Eisenstat

Joshua's Only Sister

Jamie's radiant and beautiful personality!

Jamie is my only daughter, and is beautiful and talented and compassionate!  Jamie loved her big brother Joshua!  Although he was pretty scary when she was very small, as she matured and gained greater understanding and compassion, Jamie became a wonderful advocate and friend for Joshua!  

Joshua (age 6), Jeremy (age 4) and Jamie

Jamie could make him laugh, and bring wonderful joy to his day!  Jamie learned all of the self-help skills and even boasted that she could pick up Joshua better than I could!

Helping Joshua  have fun at Zion National Park!

Jamie loved to help!

Joshua loved his wheelchair rides!

 Jamie helped with baths, with seizures, with eating, with playing, and with t-ball, just to mention a few.  One particularly scary experience Jamie and I had was when we were playing with Joshua at the Pleasant Grove pool, in about 4 feet of water.  Joshua had a grand mal seizure and it took both of us to hold on to him throughout the seizure in order for him not to go under the water.  I was so thankful to have a daughter so strong, and so determined and so loving!

Some of our favorite memories were when Joshua rode a horse at Special Needs Mutual, and Jamie's strength and effort to help hold him on the horse as they walked around the arena.  It took a lot to hold on to him!

Fun, sweet memories around 1010 North in Provo!

Jamie also loved taking Joshua on his two-seater special bike all around the neighborhood.  This was a special treat for both of them!  (We are so sad that this bike was stolen about a year after Joshua passed away - it would have been a sweet and treasured bike to have the rest of our lives.  Someday we still hope to get it back.)

Jamie wrote an incredible tribute to Joshua called "An Unlikely Hero".  Here is the link to her beautiful words about Joshua:

http://joshuasheartfullofhugs.blogspot.com/2013/01/anunlikely-hero-by-jamie-eisenstat.html

A Tribute to Jacob - Joshua's Sibling #4

Jacob loved his big brother!

A Tribute to Jacob Leonard Eisenstat

Joshua's Sibling #4

Joshua always got a seat in the bike trailer!

When I think of Jacob and his love for his big brother Joshua, I think of his cheerfulness and pure love, his ability to help at such a young age, and his understanding of Joshua's aggressiveness, seizures and daily struggles.  I was always impressed by Jacob and his incredible friends and how they included Joshua by playing ball with him, taking him for rides on the two-seater bike and helping him patiently at his computer.  Joshua was always happier when he was surrounded by family and friends.  There was no doubt of the happiness he felt!

Here is his huge smile at such a young age to be sharing the bike trailer with Joshua!  What you can't see in the picture is the hitting and items thrown out the trailer too. I was blessed with wonderful, patient siblings for Joshua.  And Jacob truly loved his brother!

Bonding at the campfire!

Jacob always wanted Joshua to get well!

I wonder what this conversation was all about!

This hug says it all -- pure brotherly love!

A Tribute to Janson - Joshua's Youngest Brother

A Tribute to Janson Jeremy Eisenstat

Joshua's Youngest Brother

Janson and Jacob always close by their brother!

Janson is the youngest in our family, and was only 10 years old when Joshua died.  But although he was young, his sensitive and kind heart broke at the loss of his brother.

Janson helping Joshua at t-ball.

Joshua was 11 years old when Janson was born.  As a Mom, I had 3 children in diapers!!  Janson, as a newborn; Jacob as a 28 month old, and Joshua at age 11!  Needless to say, I was a bit overwhelmed.  I was not able to nurse Janson because this upset Joshua, and he would hit me and become more agitated and aggressive.  A bottle with formula worked absolutely perfect!  I loved each one of my children so much, and very quickly, I realized that if I was to raise 5 young children, I would have to be creative, go with little sleep, build on their individual strengths and talents and teach them to love and serve each other.

 Janson was my little sidekick.  When I coached special needs t-ball, he was close beside me.  When I was a mother helper at school, he was right there.  And the list goes on.  I cherish this time when Janson wanted to be near me all day long.  And by doing this, Janson became a great advocate, friend and cheerleader to Joshua.  He followed his older siblings in finding ways to make Joshua laugh, in helping him, learning to deal with seizures and aggression, and mostly in loving him.

Janson having fun with Joshua and bringing him much joy!

In my sister Vickie's funeral talk, she had asked Janson what he was feeling, and Janson said that if Joshua wasn't in our family, we wouldn’t have learned about special needs and how to help people. 

I am so thankful for my wonderful Janson, for his sensitivity and compassion.  He is smart, he is handsome and he is awesome!

Janson's broken heart and final goodbye...

Special Thoughts - Kasie Bond Preece

Special Thoughts - Kasie Bond Preece

From Kasie:
Oh Mr Joshua, you sweet angel, I miss you so much. I'm truely blessed to have had the chance to be part of your life. I have so many beautiful and funny memories of you, there is and always will be a special place in my heart where you belong and will stay with me forever. Love you!

Joshua about the age he was babysat by Kathy Bond & Family

Thank you so much Kasie.  What a blessing for Joshua to be with your family for so many years.  He knew he was loved by all of you, your Mom, Kristie, you and what beautiful memories we have there too.  I could always go to work and know he was understood, loved and well taken care of.  I know you are a great Mom -- love you lots!!

First Time Memories - Chris Coffman

First Time Memories - Chris Coffman

Jamie helping Joshua!

I don't remember the first time I met Joshua but I can tell you of a fun encounter.

I had just gotten my kids in my SUV and was getting some stuff off the front passenger seat. When I was done I shut the door and turned around to head to my drivers side. As I turned around I came face (mine) to chest (Joshua) with him. We both jumped a little. I think he wanted to climb in and go for a ride with the rest of us. He smiled a big smile just as Jamie was headed up my driveway to retrieve him.  I kinda wish I'd taken him for a ride that day. 

Thank you Chris!  And for always cheering me on with your wonderful smile, optimism and enthusiasm.  We love the Coffman family!

Favorite Memories - Whitney Renslow Lewis

Favorite Memories - Whitney Renslow Lewis

Love you!!!  I love reflecting on my special times with Joshua!  There are MANY things that I hold dear to my heart - one of them was when I was speaking in church and he wasyelling in the back and the next thing i knew he was making his way up to the stand.  Or the countless times he would pull me on his lap for hugs!  I will be forever grateful that we could share October 4th together!  Hugs and hi fives in heaven.  I can't wait.  Love you Selma!

Whitney's wedding day - October 4, 2006

I sweetly remember when Whitney told me she was getting married and the difficulty she had in choosing a wedding date.  Joshua kept coming to her mind, and she thought about being married on October 4th.  Whitney went to visit his grave, and no doubt, emotions were close to the surface when she realized that wthe day she chose for her wedding was the day he died, only one year earlier.  Whitney so sensitively asked how I would feel.  I told her it would be an honor, and that Joshua would love it too.  It was a wonderful, spirit-filled day, and I was honored to be there.

We love you Whitney, and all of the Renslow family!  You all brought Joshua joy and love and understanding and time.  He loved sneaking over to visit the Renslow home!  I can hear his wonderful laugh now when you all enthusiastically greeted him!


 

First Time Meetings - Williams Family

First Time Meetings - Williams Family

Ashley:  
The first time I met Joshua was at a ward party. I had barely walked in the cultural hall when Joshua came up and grabbed my hand and made me follow him through the whole room. He also made me hold his video tape, I didn't know his name yet but I felt his sweet spirit right away. Love you Joshua!

We loved the Williams' family so much.  Ashley was the oldest of 9 children, and the parents and all of the children loved and were wonderful with Joshua.  Donnie was always ready to assist at church and carried him, helped him with hard seizures and just watched out over him.  We were truly blessed every day by this angel family!  

Special Memories - Gudmundson Family

Special Memories - Gudmundson Family

Joshua hanging out with best friend Mark, and his mom, Martha!

From Martha:
So many things to love about Joshua... His towering body giving us hugs, Mark's kiss on the forehead, grocery shopping and him sitting in front of us during church, watching 2 boys enjoying PIR and Barney together :) We still say, "what happened" and then smile and giggle. Thanks Josh for giving us forever memories. Miss that Kid!!

We are always so thankful for the Gudmundson Family.  They surrounded Mark with love, and included Joshua in that wonderful family love.  Martha often took care of Joshua for me, and I was amazed how she took care of both boys!  One day she even took both Mark in his wheelchair, and Joshua (ready to run at any moment) to the store.  I'm sure she got many looks that day.  She is a hero to me!!

Notice this series of photos of Joshua trying to hug Mark -- so typical of the love and joy these best friends shared!

Joshua and Mark - hanging out!

Laughing and leaning!

And the typical Joshua hug!

Special Memories - Provo River Trail Bridge

Special Memories - Provo River Trail Bridge



Provo River Trail Bridge

 This bridge, along the Provo River Trail,  is a sacred place for the memory and experience we had here.  It was our first year in Provo, Utah, and our neighbors and church friends were still getting to know Joshua. 

Picture a 6'1", skinny, handsome young man with his protective helmet, excited and enthusiastic to be at the river and on the bridge!  This was one of his favorite places.



A re-enactment of the video tape!

Picture also many wonderful people with their dinners and desserts, socializing and enjoying the beautiful surroundings.
Of course, Joshua is holding his precious video tape, his "security blanket" and entertainment (if it makes it home in one piece!).

Picture now the irresistible urge Joshua has on this beautiful bridge, to toss, with joy, glee and strength, that precious video tape clean down into the middle of the river!  No surprise to me, his Mom.  But the faces of the people around us were definitely startled and confused.

I remember the kindness of a sensitive young man, who promptly took off his shoes, walked into the river, and picked up that video tape to return it to Joshua.  His mother was a little concerned that he walked suddenly into the river, but I quickly assured her that he was helping me with Joshua.  (I could not leave him along to walk into the river myself.)

Of course the challenge, as always, was that when the video tape was returned to him, he just might throw it again!  But that was the endless, wonderful, cycle that I miss so much, every day!