Tears With a Stranger

Tears With a Stranger

Today was the day after Thanksgiving and was a beautiful and very warm Fall day in Utah.  This was a perfect afternoon to visit Joshua's grave and put a few Christmas decorations on it.  I also always to clean it up a little by trimming the grass and brushing away any old grass.  This is always a special mother-son time.

A Summer picture at Joshua's grave

There was a gentleman that arrived just before me and he had brought a folding chair and sat right next to a grave not far away from Joshua's grave.

After I had my sweet moments with Joshua I turned to leave.  But then I noticed this man was still sitting next to the grave.  I walked over to him and told him I was sorry for his loss.  He was so kind as he thanked me.  I asked who he had lost.  He said this was his daughter.  I told him that I was at the grave of my son.  We talked for a few moments.  His daughter was 25 years old, and I told him Joshua was 22 years old.  And then as I realized that she had just recently passed away, my tears started to flow.  I told him that she must have been beautiful. 

I could feel the raw numbness and pain and shock of those first few weeks.  I miss Joshua every day and have had many adjustments, and still shed many tears.  But the intensity and depth of the grief and pain at the time of Joshua's death will never be forgotten as my heart broke and a part of my broken heart was taken away and replaced with a special place in my heart carries such beautiful and sweet memories of my incredible Joshua boy.  I cried for this man and his family as they face this intensity of grief and pain, and I pray for them too.

At Joshua's graveside service

I walked away very mindful again of this raw pain, and the deep and intense love parents have for their children.  It was also a special moment to visit with this gentleman, and share with such understanding and compassion, for that brief moment, in his love and grief for his beautiful daughter.

BYU Hockey Team Brings Joy to Glory Community!

BYU Hockey Team Brings Joy to Glory Community!
November 2017

BYU Hockey rocks!!  They are not just incredible hockey players, but also incredible young men!

I love this hockey team!  All of the players, well especially the three Eisenstat brothers!  And yes, I'm one proud mom of these three amazing sons.  But this amazing team totally melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes on their recent road trip to Colorado!  

Even though they didn't have a lot of sleep and had three games, they worked, served and played hockey with the Glory Community!  The smiles of joy on these amazing young men say it all!  See this amazing article below!

http://photos.dailycamera.com/Brigham-Young-Hockey-Team-Helps-Broomfield-Assisted-Living/

Thanks BYU Hockey for living what life is all about.  You are fabulous!   "... Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."  Matthew 25:40.

And seeing these incredible young men serve with joy and love reminds me of the many heroes in my life and in Joshua's life who brought him joy, time, memories, friendship and love!

Assistant Coach Jeremy Eisenstat helping his big brother!

Defenseman Janson Eisenstat helping his brother smile at the hospital!

Captain Jacob Eisenstat hugging his big brother Joshua!

"You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban

"You Raise Me Up"

by Josh Groban

joshasheartfullofhugs.blogspot.com

by Selma Anna Larson

This is Joshua's song.  This speaks to every person who was part of his life or crossed his path.  The challenges and joys in raising Joshua, in serving him, in loving him, symbolically raised me up to more than I could be.  I know that divine help was with me every day to lift and strengthen me.  And during the process, I tried to help Joshua be all that he could be.  I did carry him on my back, or shoulders when he was smaller, but I felt like I was also carried on his shoulders as we captured the beauty and joy of family, sacrifice and life together.

I also know that through the strength and power of Jesus Christ I was able to carry Joshua on my back.  I felt the love of Christ for Joshua and for me as we found wonderful joy and love in our journey together each day.  The Book of Mormon has a favorite scripture in Mosiah when the Nephites were feel burdened, they were told, “Lift up your heads and be of good comfort for I know of the covenant which you have made unto me, and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.  And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders that even you cannot  feel them upon your backs.”  That’s why I could hold him on my back.  And I loved doing it.  (Mosiah 24:14-15.)

I watched in awe of my other four children as they also raised Joshua up through their love, sacrifice, service and understanding to bring him such joy and fun!

Jeremy and Joshua shared a bedroom for 19 years!
Two brothers who shared a birthday and loved unconditionally!

Jamie was his only sister and she loved her brother and she was strong!
She helped with everything - seizures included!

Jacob's love for his brother overflows in this picture.
Joshua knew he was loved!

Janson was the youngest and loved going everywhere with me!
He could make Joshua laugh and smile during his very tough moments!

Since we have never had a normal conversation, our days together were filled with silent understanding, unspoken troubles and sorrows, and sweet bursts of joy!  I was in awe of some tender moments where my heart was burdened with pain and sorrow, and Joshua simply patted my arm or gave me his never ending hugs.

Joshua died of cardiomyopathy which was unexpected and devastating.  His heart was literally twice the size!  This was a spiritual acknowledgement of the huge love Joshua had for everyone he met!  His heart was truly larger than his broken body could hold and so this phrase in the song means even more:  "When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary, when troubles come and my heart burdened be" I think of my angel Joshua raising me up to more than I can be so that I can be with him again someday.  

I love Joshua with all of my heart,, and that heart has a hole in this life that eternity will fill someday. His pure love, innocent spirit, and joyful personality raised me up each and every day.  

I love you Joshua.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary

When troubles come and my heart burdened be

Then, I am still and wait here in the silence

Until you come and sit a while with me

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas

I am strong, when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up, to more than I can be

You raise me up, to more than I can be

McDonalds Memory Moments for Joshua!

Joshua's Family at McDonalds 2017

McDonalds Memory Moments for Joshua

October 4, 2017

Joshua loved McDonalds!  We often joked as a family that Joshua's love for cheeseburgers and french fries helped the value of McDonalds stock!  

And on this October 4th, 12 years since we lost our special Joshua Boy, I would like to share 12 memories of McDonalds - from his life, and also from after his death.

Joshua's Family at McDonalds 2016

#1 - Cheeseburgers out the Window!  The look on a person's face when Joshua would suddenly throw his whole cheeseburger clear out the car window!  And then french fries might follow!  The total shock and confusion on their faces always brought a smile to our faces.  But Joshua never did understand why we couldn't go back and retrieve his beloved cheeseburger!  (As hard as I tried to keep the windows rolled up, I did have four younger kids in the car and windows did get rolled down quite often!)  Since Joshua loved McDonalds, but loved throwing even more, this was not the only cheeseburger or french fry thrown out the window!  (If they only knew how many times we really did keep the windows and doors closed so this did not happen!) 

Joshua's Grandma Larson!

#2 - The coin collector at McDonalds!  Joshua was always throwing whatever was in reach, and apparently there was a coin within his reach as we drove up to the McDonalds window.  And sure enough, as I rolled the window down, Joshua took his precious coin, and threw it and it sailed quickly right out the window.  But I was completely stunned as it landed perfectly in this little tiny opening in the charity coin collector.  We could not have done that again if we tried!

#3 - Joshua's love for McDonalds cheeseburger, french fries and rootbeer!  I can still see his unique Joshua clap while saying "Donalds" and his excitement as I pulled into the McDonalds parking lot.  

#4 - Joshua's classic "mmmmmm" for yum as he would eat his meal!

#5 - Joshua saying "hi, hi, hi" to everyone inside McDonalds!  (But I had to watch him really close or he might steal someone's french fries!!

Cousins Ashley, Hunter & Ellie at McDonalds!

#6 - The McDonalds workers saying "Hi Josh" as we walked in.  That always touched my heart!

#7 - The McDonalds drive-thru was a lifesaver for me!  If we did not have time to spend inside, I was able to still pull through quickly and get Joshua his yummy cheeseburger, french fries and rootbeer!

#8 - Although the drive-thru was a lifesaver, paying for our food without items thrown out the car window was still a challenge.  But Joshua loved dollars and so I realized that if I gave him a dollar to pay for our food, this diverted his attention from the throwing.  Although I couldn't give him a credit card or $20 bill because his throwing arm was always ready!!  I loved the look on the cashier's face when Joshua would lean his long, skinny arm across me to hand his one dollar bill over, and then the confusion when I would pay for the rest!  It worked, so we just kept doing it!

Joshua's Uncle Chris & Aunt Cynthia!

#9 - McDonalds playland was a favorite!  Joshua loved climbing in the tubes and going down the slides even as he grew taller and taller.  Well one day as I stopped at McDonalds with all of the kids after work, Joshua climbed in the slide, but he got stuck!  Well I was still in a dress from work, but we could not coax him out of the slide, so there I went also, up the tube, carefully, to get my tall, skinny, handsome boy out of the tube!  Ha ha ... I'm sure we had a few looks that we never saw!

Joshua's Uncle John!

#10 - 2013 - It was Christmas time and I was missing Joshua so I prayed for a Joshua moment that day.  As I drove down 820 North in Provo, there was a McDonalds bag standing tall in the middle of the road. So memorable and appropriate!  I couldn't help but think of a double cheeseburger thrown out the window on University Ave with nearby drivers and passengers stunned by this handsome adult young man gleefully tossing that cheeseburger clean out the window!  

Cousins Kenny & Mitchell!

#11 - 2014 - Joshua and Jeremy share a birthday and I bought a McDonalds Gift Card to give to Jeremy from Joshua.  I asked Janson to write a little note to Jeremy with the gift card.  His words were absolutely perfect as if Joshua had wrote them himself.  He told Jeremy "not to throw the cheeseburger out the window."  It really is hard not to!!  

#12 - Each year receiving pictures and messages of family and friends eating at McDonalds on October 4th.  Some of these pictures are displayed in this post.  This touches my heart more than I can say.  McDonalds is the place to be!
#mcdonalds

"I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack

"I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack

Jeremy & Joshua

This amazing song has become a treasured family song for this Mom and her 5 Incredible Children!  It's even the ringtone when my kids call me!  And the story behind this song is a sweet blessing!  

When my life was falling apart around me, no one knew.  And I was trying to stand strong in silence, and keep my family together.  Sometimes family or friends would ask if I was okay, but I would answer that everything was fine.  Sometimes a friend would catch a tear or see through this facade, and I could feel their love

Jamie & Joshua

and support during those times.  But then one day my brother, Doug, gave me a gift from my dad.  My wonderful dad had been very worried about me, and felt like something was really wrong.  And so he went to Doug and asked him to make a video of my children.  The song Doug chose was "I Hope You Dance" and the words, at that time in my life, were a miracle to me as the words spoke of hope, of a better future, the wonders of the world, and of dancing, once again.

Jacob & Joshua

And as I think of my five incredible children, who have brought so many types of life's dances into my life, I am thankful for an inspired dad, and a talented brother, and my incredible children, who gave me just what I needed, the priceless gift of hope.

Thanks Doug for an incredible family video filled with happy memories!


"I Hope You Dance"

Joshua & Janson

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance, 
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. 

Dance....I hope you dance. 
I hope you dance....I hope you dance. 
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.. 
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along 
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone)

Jeremy, Jamie, Jacob, Me, Janson & Joshua

"Now and Forever" by Carole King

"Now and Forever" by Carole King

This is one of my very special Joshua songs!!  We first heard it when it was featured in the movie "A League of Their Own."  Well, that was one of Joshua's favorite baseball movies, and he absolutely loved that movie!  Many bursts of laughter, and happy sounds were heard while he watched that movie - especially when Tom Hanks threw the mitt at Stillwell!!  (We had the edited version.)

Anyway, I love and treasure this song by Carole King -- she sang it perfectly and it has such deep meaning.  But then when Joshua unexpectedly passed away, and I listened more carefully to the lyrics, I realized that this song could have been written just for us!!

The words she sings perfectly capture the joy and love and purposes and blessings of my life with Joshua.  He will always be a part of me and of my family.  Joshua and I were the lucky ones because of the many joys and experiences we shared with his innocent and sweet love of every person he met.  His disability of autism, epilepsy and severe developmental delays, only added to his innocence and to his loving and friendly personality. There were many words unspoken because  his communication skills were tough and we could never have a normal conversation, but we did speak the beautiful language of love together!  Joshua always blessed my life more than I can say.  We lived ... we cried... we played ... and we loved the world together.  And I do miss, every day, the laughter, and the tears, and the joys of my life with Joshua!  And I know I will see and be with Joshua again someday.  Families are Forever!

Thank you Joshua, for lighting up my world, and the world of all of those people you met!  I love you now and forever!

Now and forever

you are a part of me

And the memory cuts like a knife

Didn't we find the ecstacy

Didn't we share the daylight

When you walked into my life

Now and forever

I'll remember all the promises still unbroken

And think about all the words between us

That never needed to be spoken

We had a moment

Just one moment

That will last beyond a dream,

Beyond a lifetime

We are the lucky ones

Some people never get to do

All we got to do

Now and forever

I will always think of you

Didn't we come together

Didn't we live together

Didn't we cry together

Didn't we play together

Didn't we love together

And together we lit up the world

I miss the tears

I miss the laughter

I miss the day we met

and all that followed after

Sometimes I wish I

could always be with you

The way we used to do

Now and forever

I will always think of you

Now and forever

I will always be with you

#nowandforever
#aleagueoftheirown

Barney the Dinosaur - A Sweet Memory!

Barney the Dinosaur - A Sweet Memory

A few days ago my Mom and I visited Brad, Joshua's friend for many, many years.  Brad was older than Joshua by about 14 years, but when he would visit Joshua, they would frequently watch Barney together.  And Brad would be so excited as he would bring Barney videos just for Joshua.  Those were good times, because both young men loved the happiness of Barney and his friends, and being together.

Well, when we walked into Brad's home just a few days ago, I immediately
heard the very familiar tunes from Barney!  I quickly walked over to the TV, and there it was, a wonderful episode from Barney and his friends!  The memories flooded back and I remember my handsome Joshua clapping and cheering and loving this very special and happy show.  

Joshua also loved to watch Barney with his best friend Mark!  In fact, I did give Mark one of Joshua's Barney videos after he died.  Joshua and Mark would also watch Bob Barker and The Price is Right.  And of course they would love these shows -- they were about laughter, fun and joy!!  

We love you Mark and Brad!

My First 10K Race!

 My First 10K Race!

I finished the Speedy Spaniard 10K - my first 10K at age 55!!  Although I'm not speedy and definitely struggled (I had some walking moments for sure)! I loved starting the race with my beautiful daughter-in-law and having Kristin, Jeremy and Jacob cheering me in at the finish line! Seeing family at the finish line was the absolute best!  I am not a great runner, and wasn't fully prepared so that first hill right at the start threw off my hopes, since I had to walk right away and get past that difficulty!!  I did run most of the time and knowing Kristen was running in front of me, and my family would be at the finish line kept me going!! 

I also had a beautiful tender mercy when my running pace was the same as a dad running with one son and pushing another son in a large stroller! I talked to them later and his son had similar disabilities as Joshua. So I felt Joshua cheering me on too!  With Joshua's super hyperactivity and running everywhere, I called Joshua my very own home gym, so I loved this very sweet blessing today!

My time was 1:16.  For the record, I got 6th place out of 6 women in my age group!!  But I finished.  :)

Thanks Kristen for inspiring me to do this!! You rock!!

The Computer Piggy Bank!

The Computer Piggy Bank!
Thank you Gerald Bringhurst!

I ran into Sue and Gerald Bringhurst at a wedding reception a few days ago.  They are wonderful neighbors and friends of mine when we lived in Pleasant Grove.  It is always so fun to re-connect and remember good times with cherished friends!  We had a good laugh remembering Joshua's own hidden piggy bank!

One of Joshua's favorite things was to play "Wheel of Fortune" on his own computer.  He loved calling out the letters, finding the letters on the keyboard and cheering with Pat and Vanna as the players won some money!  He especially loved it when one player said hi to "Joshua" even though it wasn't meant for him!

Anyway, periodically the computer would stop working.  Gerald was so kind as to donate some time to repair Joshua's computer when needed.  So as he dug into Joshua's computer to find the problem, he was super excited to tell us the problem!

Joshua had been using the small opening where the floppy disk went, to insert pennies, nickles, dimes and quarters!!  And he had inserted quite a stash!!  So Gerald emptied the computer of its latest windfall, and the beloved computer was back in action!!  But of course, it didn't take long to realize that another windfall of money was inside, and Gerald would be called back into action.

Thanks Gerald -- you saved many days!!

To see another article on our own family computer repairman, my brother Carl, see the link below!!

http://joshuasheartfullofhugs.blogspot.com/2017/07/computer-mishaps-thank-you-uncle-carl.html

Computer Mishaps - Thank You Uncle Carl!

Computer Mishaps - Thank You Uncle Carl!

Joshua was very hard on computers, so we needed more than one computer repairman!  inside Joshua's computer.

And my awesome brother, Carl, came on multiple occasions to find other mysterious computer problems.  With Joshua's fingers clicking away, computers definitely didn't last too long.  And it was always a harder day if Joshua did not have his computer to play Wheel of Fortune!!

But Joshua knew that Carl would and could fix his computer.  In fact, when he would see Carl, he would say in his cute voice, "Carl ... puter."  He was very thankful for his wonderful Uncle, and I was also very thankful for his willingness and love for Joshua.  

Our neighbor, Gerald Bringhurst helped us find missing money in our home, that ended up inside Joshua's computer.  That deserved its own post!  

The pictures below are worth more than a thousand words!  Thank you Carl!!

A sweet Uncle and Nephew bonding moment!

Carl giving Joshua two high fives after a successful computer fix!

Joshua showing Uncle Carl his gratitude with his special Joshua hug!

A Silent Prayer to God - Paul Nolan

A Silent Prayer to God - Paul Nolan

My long-time friend from high school, Paul Nolan (a 35+ year EMS veteran in Los Angeles), wrote a touching and tender experience today which I wanted to share.  This captured so well my feelings for the amazing love and wonderful unity I was blessed to be a part of with my Joshua boy for 22 short years.  Thanks Paul for your wonderful insight, compassion and example!  

This afternoon I stopped in at an In-N-Out Burger for lunch. It was busy but I noticed a Toyota Sienna pull up and several special needs adults come into the restaurant with a woman who takes care of them. She was very patient with them and it showed she really cared about them.

I watched as they waited in line, shuffling from side-to-side, needing a little bit of attention to stay focused. I noticed that if one of them had trouble ordering food or figuring out how much money they needed to pay for their meal, another in their group would help them. The young girl behind the counter was extremely helpful, pointing to the pictures on the menu when necessary, and helping them with their money.

As they waited for their orders I saw them laugh and joke with each other, patiently waiting for their turn at the drink machine. They were together, they protected each other, they helped each other. The bonding of these five adults was amazing. They needed each other when they were out in public unlike any other group of people who were there.

As I watched them I said a silent prayer for God to watch over them, keep them safe and free from harm or ridicule. I've always had a soft spot for the less fortunate among us and have always gone out of my way to treat them, not just as a patient, but as the special person they were.

They made me smile today. At least for a brief moment anyway, and that's all that really matters.

#silentprayers

Athlete of the Month at Pleasant Grove High School

Athlete of the Month

Pleasant Grove High School

Inclusion, Love & Joy

While Joshua was attending Pleasant Grove High School, he truly thrived on the love and understanding and inspired teaching he received.  I will always love the many special friends who were and still are incredible blessings in our lives because of their love and sacrifice for Joshua.  In fact, I was so thankful for the lovely lunch ladies at the school, that I wrote a thank you post for them:

http://joshuasheartfullofhugs.blogspot.com/2014/02/the-lovely-lunch-ladies-at-pleasant.html


Joshua's incredible teachers, Lisa Clark and John Kernan and incredible aides, made sure Joshua was involved in school activities and adapted sports.  Well, one day in 2002, Pleasant Grove High School called and invited me to an assembly because they were going to honor Joshua.  I quickly called my brother Doug and asked him to come with me, and we hurried down to the school.  We were thankfully able to sit in the first couple of rows on the right side of the auditorium waiting for Joshua's special award.  And Doug was ready to capture this special moment on film, which he perfectly did!

As the assembly began, the student leader announced the introduction of this month's "Athlete of the Month" ... Joshua Eisenstat! I was overwhelmed with this special honor!!

As Joshua started to appear on the back part of the stage, one student helped him walk out toward the front of the stage (which is always a challenge because he can be very resistant), but once Joshua heard the student body very loudly cheering and clapping for Joshua, he jumped up and down with his wonderful smile and pure JOY!  

And the student body cheered and clapped for Joshua for a very long time!  It was an indescribable moment of joy and acceptance and love for Joshua!

He did not understand the nature of the award, but he definitely understood that he was LOVED by the students and faculty at Pleasant Grove High School.  He was so HAPPY!!

Joshua was an incredible athlete in every way!  He loved and cheered for his own team  And he always loved and cheered for the other team as well.  Everyone mattered!  He was enthusiastic and happy!  He always did the best he could.  He usually did not earn the gold medal, but he always placed first place with his incredible HEART!

I was an incredibly proud and happy Mom, and like Joshua, filled with joy and love!  

With all of my heart, I thank 

Pleasant Grove High School, 

for their recognition of my very special athlete 

and son!

#athleteofthemonth, #pghs