I am Joshua's Mom - My Gift

I Am Joshua's Mom - My Gift

 

And once I stopped focusing on what Joshua couldn’t do, and saw the many things he could do, 

my heart healed, I saw the beauty of Joshua’s life and we had an incredible journey together.

I am Joshua’s Mom.  I was given a beautiful gift. I was blessed to raise and love a child with disabilities.  The myriad of emotions and experiences that occurred on a daily basis are a priceless treasure.

I have grieved over lost dreams; and thrilled over new dreams.   My heart broke as I failed to see many of the positive, and saw much of the negative of Joshua’s condition.  A scripture in the New Testament helped to heal my heart.  In Matthew 11:28-30, it reads:

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

This scripture helped me to see Joshua how Jesus Christ saw Joshua, as a valuable, wonderful, important young man.  As I thought of His perfect love for Joshua, and looked to Him for strength, support and guidance, I felt a deeper and pure love for my beautiful son.  I began to see more clearly the many things he could do.  And once I stopped focusing on what Joshua couldn’t do, and saw the many things he could do, my heart healed, I saw the beauty of Joshua’s life and we had an incredible journey together.

In Joshua’s early years, I felt emptiness watching other toddlers hug their mothers while I received none.  I wanted my own hugs from my sweet boy.  At the time I did not realize that this was an early sign of his autistic attributes.  I decided that if I wanted Joshua to hug me that I would need to teach him how.  Each day or night I would place Joshua’s arms around my neck so he could hug me, and I would hug him back.  I told Joshua “I love you.”  This was the only way for me to receive my “Mom” hug I wanted so much.  Several years went by in this manner.  Then one night my sister Anna was at my house, and I went to place Joshua’s arms around my neck for my hug.  But this was not an ordinary night.  Before I was able to guide Joshua’s house around my neck, he placed them around my neck in his first natural and so very precious hug.  We cried out in joy and excitement.  Joshua had finally learned to hug! I had no idea at the time that this was just the beautiful beginning of the wonder and joy of daily and countless wet kisses and hugs.

Throughout my life, I have been filled and sustained by the heart full of love inside my very special son, Joshua.  Even while experiencing trials and frustration from his tantrums and aggressiveness, there was no doubt in my own heart of Joshua’s love and acceptance of me.  Joshua made me feel, as a mother, completely loved. 

As traumatic and devastating as his death will always be, I will always be in awe of the cause of his death, an enlarged heart.  This physical enlarged heart inside this very skinny young man is a great symbolism of his even larger spiritual heart.  This was a gift straight from heaven to sustain me throughout my life as even in his death, Joshua’s mission and love for all people, shone through with deep and lasting symbolism and meaning.

Some of the most painful comments and questions I have heard since Joshua’s death have to do with the assumption that I now feel relief and freedom, that now I can “live my life” and go forward.  I have ached and cried inside for the loneliness and emptiness within my heart to be separated from my very special son.  The bond and love between Joshua and I was so strong, and our earthly separation bears more of a burden of loss and adjustment than I can fully explain.  I recently read a quote that summed up some of the deep feelings of my heart for Joshua: 

“Grief is the natural by-product of love.  One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death.  The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning.  Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father.”  (Lance B. Wickman, “But If Not,” Ensign, Nov. 2002, 30.)

The Scriptures became a very important “instruction book” to help me to know how to have the strength and insight to raise Joshua. A wise and kind bishop, Brent Palmer, challenged me to read 3 Nephi 17 out loud, thinking of Joshua.  I read those verses many times knowing that our Savior loved Joshua.  And when He healed the little children, my heart was healed in acceptance of Joshua’s mission and role in this life.  Now as I read these verses, I know that Joshua has now been healed physically, and left this life with angels surrounding him. (3 Nephi 17:7-25.)

The verses in Moroni 7 were imprinted on his missionary plaque, because charity and the pure love of Christ is all about who Joshua was.  “But charity is the pure love of Christ and it endureth forever.  And whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.”  And I know that not only was Joshua possessed of charity at the last day, but also every day throughout his life.  This was beautiful to be a part of each day.   (Moroni 7:47.)

 
This love that gave the relationship Joshua and I shared such richness, such depth and such joy is the very same love that causes me to anguish and sorrow over his pain and sufferings while in this life, rejoice and celebrate over his strengths and triumphs, and has also caused me to anguish, cry, grieve and ache over the separation and loss that are inevitable from his death.  It is also that very same depth of love that fills me with peace and joy that my wonderful son completely fulfilled his purpose and mission in this life – that of showing pure love to family, friends and strangers throughout his short 22 years of life.  I will feel eternal gratitude that I am the mother of such a pure and loving young man, who left such deep and lasting imprints on the lives of those who came in contact with him.