Beginning a Life of Doctors and Schools

1986 --

Beginning a Life of Doctors and Schools ---

I was beginning to realize that Joshua's life and our lives had taken a dramatic turn
and the future was very uncertain and frightening. 
I had no idea how to raise a child with disabilities.  

Life was busy and amazing with my two little boys. I continued to work full-time to put Michael through flight training. We had the typical hopes and dreams for our boys and for our future. I was also serving as Primary President in the North Hollywood III Ward. I was definitely being stretched to learn and do things I had never imagined. And I was beginning my special journey to discover the very special heart inside my beautiful son.

At this time, we began taking Joshua to many doctors. The first positive test result came when one doctor found that both of his ears had excessive fluid in them. He prescribed a strong medication to clear up the fluid. Our hopes were high! He had not been hearing very well! We were waiting for big changes in his behavior following the clearing up of his ears. The ears cleared up after a few weeks, but his behavior seemed to worsen rather than improve.

Joshua went to speech therapy for several months, but we saw no improvement and he had difficulty working with the teacher. I searched for a diagnosis. His doctor ordered various tests, which were difficult and time consuming. One test showed that his frontal lobe was smaller than normal, but there was no indication that this test result would be the reason for the delays in his progression. Another test result detailed an“unusual gait” in his left leg, which made him walk with a slight limp (if you were to look closely or if he were to run fast).

Joshua was becoming increasingly hyperactive and difficult to control. I was in awe of his little brother Jeremy as he progressed normally and without incident. There was no doubt by this time that there was a serious problem. Joshua’s doctor did not seem overly concerned, and even asked why I was so anxious to get a diagnosis. I explained to him that if I had a diagnosis, then I would better know how to deal with the problem. At this point in my life, I did not have education on disabilities, and wasn’t quite ready to accept the diagnosis of any type of disability. Yet at the same time, I was anxious as I wanted help, wanted to know how to raise this very special boy.

I remember clearly the day the doctor recommended that Joshua attend a special education school. He was 3½ years old. He was still in a diaper, and showed no recognition, interest or desire in toileting. He was extremely hyperactive and still did not talk nor understand much of what was said around him. His hand had to be constantly held or he would run away. This was a constant fear as he ran very fast, and had no fear, and needed to be protected at every moment. This was one of many missions of mine, to keep Joshua safe.

Joshua was so adorable as I walked him into his new school. A few moments after walking into the school, the reality of Joshua’s situation hit me like a ton of bricks as I looked around me, and saw all of these beautiful children with their various disabilities. I saw these sweet little children, some in wheelchairs, others agitated, others obviously mentally handicapped, and I just wanted to run far away and cry. I saw crushed hopes and dashed dreams. I cried and my heart ached. I could barely get through the first introductions and meetings with his teachers. As I was in my own home later that day, all of my fear, sorrow and loss showed itself through my flow of tears.

I had just begun a grieving process, that at the time I was completely unaware of. I was beginning to realize that Joshua's life and our lives had taken a dramatic turn and the future was very uncertain and frightening. I had no idea how to raise a child with disabilities. And his disability loomed very large, and for a time it was easy to see what Joshua could not do, and would never be able to do. But with all the emotions I was experiencing, my resolve and determination to give him a happy life also loomed large. I loved Joshua so much. I wanted to understand him. And I really wanted him to feel safe, happy and loved.

Joshua had wonderful teachers, and they worked hard with him, but general progress was slow. Speech was also slow, if hardly anything at all. They had performances and/or programs at school, which we loved to see, but always Joshua’s hand had to be held or he would run away. He loved to run and he could now run fast and far. He could run far, far away! He did not understand that he could get lost or hurt. He seemed to need to be on the go and on the run, always.