"Lord I Believe" - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"Lord, I Believe"

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

April 2013

A Favorite General Conference Talk

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

This talk, given in the April 2013 General Conference as noted above spoke straight to my heart as Elder Holland spoke about the daily struggles and challenges of raising a child with disabilities.  The beauty of the love given by our Savior in his understanding, compassion and hope for healing, are there for each one of us in our individual and unique heartaches, challenges and struggles.  In reading these words, I know the Savior knew the depth of my fear, heartache and fatigue in dealing with Joshua's epilepsy and his seizures that were so very frightening and harmful.  I know we had more help than I realized, and am so thankful for pure love and compassion from His loving arms.

Joshua literally did fall into the water symbolically and literally and into the fire symbolically anytime he had a seizure.  Some of the most frightening seizures were in the bathtub or the pool.  Each of the kids helped during those times as I would have to call for help because I needed strength beyond my own.  I specifically remember a time when my daughter, Jamie, helped me hold Joshua up out of the water when he had a seizure in about 4 feet of water when we were swimming.  We both used all her strength to get him through that seizure so he would not drown.  Jamie's strength and determination were inspiring and such a blessing.  I also know I was given strength beyond my own spiritually as I could never have kept Joshua safe without the love and strength of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Here are my favorite words, with the link of the full text of the talk below.

With no other hope remaining, this father asserts what faith he has and pleads with the Savior of the world, “If thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.” I can hardly read those words without weeping. The plural pronoun us is obviously used intentionally. This man is saying, in effect, “Our whole family is pleading. Our struggle never ceases. We are exhausted. Our son falls into the water. He falls into the fire. He is continually in danger, and we are continually afraid. We don’t know where else to turn. Can you help us? We will be grateful for anything—a partial blessing, a glimmer of hope, some small lifting of the burden carried by this boy’s mother every day of her life.”

“If thou canst do any thing,” spoken by the father, comes back to him “If thou canst believe,” spoken by the Master.

“Straightway,” the scripture says—not slowly nor skeptically nor cynically but “straightway”—the father cries out in his unvarnished parental pain, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” In response to new and still partial faith, Jesus heals the boy, almost literally raising him from the dead, as Mark describes the incident.

^{For the entire text of the talk, go to:}

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/lord-i-believe?lang=eng

Pine Valley 2005 - Joshua's Last Family Reunion

Pine Valley 2005

Joshua's Last Family Reunion



Joshua's face of pure joy enjoying time watching slides with family!

On July 21, 2014 we will hold our 10th Annual Larson Family Reunion in Pine Valley, Utah.  This will always be a sacred, sweet and beautiful place as it was the last time many of my family members would see Joshua alive. 

We had such sweet times at the 1st Annual Pine Valley Larson Family Reunion held in August 2005.  Many of the family camped in tents, but several rented a room at the lodge.  I was so thankful I had rented this cute room at the lodge with my kids to enjoy this time.  This room also had a large hallway where we watched slides at night.  This has been a favorite family tradition for years, and we love to be with my parents, with my dad choosing slides and reminiscing about favorite family moments. 

As shown in the picture above, Joshua LOVED watching slides with family.  He loved his family and loved seeing them on the big slide screen.  He laughed at funny and non-funny pictures, and he was definitely filled with pure joy!

Joshua did seem to move a little slower during that reunion.  But then again, as I thought several times, he was 22 years old, 6'1" and could actually be calming down!  His seizures and medications had also taken quite a toll on his body, and it was easy to attribute his slower step to all he had been through.

We camped, we played at the river, we ate, we took drives, we played volleyball and we just enjoyed being together.  The grandkids and some adults jumped off the metal bridge into the icy cold river water.  Joshua threw lots and lots and lots of rocks at the river.  We had to scurry into our cars during a severe thunderstorm, and our special friend Brad, got wet in his tent!  And Joshua did his usual wandering around, greeting everyone  he passed with high fives, hugs and handshakes.  We all got plenty of those during our time together.  And we loved every single one!

And one especially memorable moment came when Joshua and I were alone as we sat on a steep slope above the river throwing rocks and just enjoying being together.  He suddenly had a grand mal seizure, and it took all of my energy to keep him from sliding down the hill into the icy cold river as he thrashed and showed his aggression.  My brothers, Glenn and Mark, came soon after, and we got him through it, cheered him up, and once again, all was well.

We just didn't know that it was a final goodbye for those family members who lived out of town.  I am so thankful for this final sweet, precious and beautiful time we all had with my Joshua boy.   Especially since he was so full of joy at being with his wonderful family who loved him with all of their hearts!

Every year, and other times when we are playing at a river, we throw rocks for Joshua, and say:

 

We love you Joshua!

Joshua & Uncle Mark - Favorite Math Picture

Joshua & Uncle Mark

For over 8 years now, we have looked at this picture of Joshua "communicating" with his awesome Uncle Mark and said that it really does look like they are talking about something deep, specifically mathematics!  Since his language was lower than a 2-year old, this always made us smile.  He really does look like he has something to stay.  Here are a few MEMEs I have made up for this picture.

Which is your favorite math quote?

"I Will Run This Race"

"I Will Run This Race"

July 8, 2014

Here's one of my new favorite running songs sung by Kristene Mueller.  The words say so much about my life with Joshua.  The love reminds me of the love of our Savior for Joshua, for me, and for all of us, and how hard our race in life can be.  

When I made the Savior's love for Joshua part of every day life, caring for Joshua no longer became a burden, but became an honor and a joy.  Joshua really was a "runner" his whole life!  And he escaped whenever and wherever he could.  That kept me running too!  :)  So now that he is gone, I run, and it is hard, but I do it in memory of  myJoshua and to keep strong in the race of life.

Thinking of Joshua and how hard his life could be for him, compels me to try harder each minute, and each day. Our journey together really was a good fight of faith, so worth fighting for, and completely captured my heart.

"Homeward Bound"

 I will run, I will run this race,

And I will do it all for love.

Your love compels me forward,

Your love controls my heart,

And I just can't, I cannot get away.

So I will fight this good fight of faith,

And I will do

it all for love.
You are my great reward,
You're so worth fighting for
And I can't wait to see Your face.

So I will run, I will run this race,
And I will do it all for love.
Your love compels me forward,
Your love controls my heart,
And I just can't, I cannot get away.

So I will fight this good fight of faith,
And I will do it all for love.
You are my great reward,
You're so worth fighting for
And I can't wait to see Your face,
And I can't wait to see Your face.

Hallelujah

Joshua's Incredible Throwing Arm #6 - Memories in the Road

Joshua's Incredible Throwing Arm #6

Memories in the Road

Journal Entry - 2006

Joshua throwing things down the slide in the playhouse built by Uncle Glenn!

From a very young age throwing rocks in
the river made him happy!

Yesterday, my brother Glenn called to tell me that he had just thought about my son Joshua.  As he was driving down a road to his work he saw a loaf of bread in the road.  He immediately thought about Joshua, and the many items he had thrown out the car window in his 22 years of life.  A few seconds later, Glenn passed a second loaf of bread in the middle of the road.  As he said in an e-mail later describing this, he said that Joshua must have a “spiritual twin” out there. 

As I have thought about these two loaves of bread over the past day, I think, with a smile of memory on my face, of such items thrown out car windows, into rivers, over fences and down hills, etc., such as a McDonald’s cheeseburger, with only one or two bites taken out of it, a Barney Videotape, a McDonalds bag of food, more videotapes, undetermined amounts of loose change, paper, mustard,  lawn chairs, remote controls, garage door openers, basketballs, pumpkins, baseballs, etc., etc., etc.  I’m sure if I continued to think even a few more minutes, the list would grow by a lot.  Each of those items has their own special memory, as we have learned to laugh and realize that the items were not really that important, only that Joshua continued to feel our love and acceptance.



Our actual garage door opener
hidden under the seat because
Joshua threw it so many times!

One of many Joshua baseballs -
most of them did not stay around very long!

Joshua's Incredible Throwing Arm #5 - Friends at Target

Joshua's Incredible Throwing Arm #5

Friends at Target

April 7, 2005 – Letter to Jeremy

(while on his mission in New Zealand)

Throwing just made him happy!

One day Joshua and I went to Target and he was his typical self – friendly, stubborn and difficult.  But during the course of our shopping, Joshua threw his video tape behind a counter, and we were not able to find it, and eventually I had to leave without the video tape, which was very hard on Joshua.   A few hours after returning home, my friend, Heidi Dixon, came to the door and handed me the very same video tape we had lost earlier that day in Target.  Heidi had gone to Target after we had left Target and when she was in the checkout line, she saw Joshua’s video tape sitting at the cash register, and because I had Joshua’s video tapes marked with his name on it, she had told the cashier that she would take it because she knew who it belonged to.  I always thought that was amazing that a friend of ours would go through the checkout line at just the right time when his video tape was there, and then hand deliver it personally to us.  With some video tapes broken and lost, this was always a blessing to have a video tape returned and in one piece!

Joshua's Incredible Throwing Arm #4 - My First License Plate

Joshua's Incredible Throwing Arm #4

My First License Plate

April 14, 2005 – Letter to Jeremy

(while on his mission in New Zealand)

 

 

I was hoping for 7 letters so it could read “Where’s Selma” better, but I would have to give up my handicapped sticker to get that.  So I stuck with the 5 letters since Joshua was constantly throwing the hanging handicapped sticker out.  I’ll send you a picture of the car and license plate info. soon – it looks great!!