"The Moving of the Water" General Conference Talk

Favorite General Conference Talk

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

"The Moving of the Water"

by Elder Boyd K. Packer

April 1991

That day of healing will come. Bodies which are deformed and minds that are warped will be made perfect. In the meantime, we must look after those who wait by the pool of Bethesda.

You parents and you families whose lives must be reordered because of a handicapped one, whose resources and time must be devoted to them, are special heroes. You are manifesting the works of God with every thought, with every gesture of tenderness and care you extend to the handicapped loved one. Never mind the tears nor the hours of regret and discouragement; never mind the times when you feel you cannot stand another day of what is required. You are living the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ in exceptional purity. And you perfect yourselves in the process.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1991/04/the-moving-of-the-water?lang=eng&query=Moving+of+the+Water

"But If Not" by Lance B. Wickman

"But If Not"

Lance B. Wickman

October 2002

A Favorite General Conference Talk

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

My good friend, Joan, sent me this talk shortly after Joshua passed away.  She knew I needed to read it, and it certainly spoke right to my heart as Brother Wickman spoke of disabilities and death.  His words are beautiful, inspiring and bring much comfort and hope.  Here are the first three paragraphs, with the link below.  (I have underlined the phrases that spoke right to my heart.)   I know his words are true, that as we believe in the goodness of God, of His knowledge of us personally and of our sickness and sorrow, we will feel His strength, and His love, to help us as we trust in His plan for each of us.  I was blessed to be able to meet Brother Wickman a few years ago and thank him personally for his inspired words.  

His talk and testimony are a miracle to me because I felt peace and joy for the promises of eternity.  This talk will always hold a special place in my heart.

And the MEME below is actually a picture of Joshua's casket with these words by Elder Wickman that spoke personally to me of my love and gratitude for Joshua.

Some of my richest memories are associated with weekend assignments to stake conferences as I have accompanied a stake president in visits to members of his stake wrestling with life’s challenges in courage and faith, especially those who have lost a child or who are struggling valiantly in nursing a sick or crippled or handicapped child. I know from poignant personal experience that there is no night quite so dark as the loss of a child. Neither is there any day quite so long and exhausting as the relentlessness of caring for a child crippled in form or faculty. All such parents can empathize exquisitely with the father of the child afflicted with a “dumb spirit,” who, when admonished by the Savior to believe, responded in anguish of soul, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief” (see Mark 9:17, 23–24).

And so today I wish to speak to all who are struggling in this laboratory of applied faith that is called mortality—and in particular to those bereaved, burdened, and grieving parents who beseechingly ask, “Why?”

First, please know that grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning. Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father....

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/10/but-if-not?lang=eng

Journal Entries by Joshua's Mom

JOURNAL ENTRIES --

“All one had to do was to let you love them,

and they could see the beauty and love that was in your soul.“

July 20, 2006

I just came from sitting beside your grave.  Tears flowed from my eyes as I continue to ache and miss you with my very soul.  I cried, and I touched your sweet face that is on your tombstone.  I thought it very appropriate today that there were several wasps buzzing around your grave, and even lighting on the plant that Janson is growing for you.  I think of Glenn’s story in his funeral talk how the wasps did not bite you, and Vickie’s analogy that even the wasps knew that they did not need to fear you.  All one had to do was to let you love them, and they could see the beauty and love that was in your soul.  I wonder many days how to live without you in my life.  This may seem confusing to the outsider who only saw the work, patience and physical strength it took to care for you, to keep you safe, to keep you happy and to give you a fulfilled life.  But to those who truly knew you and loved you, they know that your pure love, your innocence, your enthusiasm, your humor, your cute personality and the light in your eyes brought an understanding and joy to life that was your special talent and ability to give.  How hard it is for me to do so many things – to walk into church, to go to a family, ward or neighborhood activity, to walk into Glenn’s basketball game, to go to the park, to walk into a store, to go to a party or celebration, etc., etc.  Even I smile myself over this since many of those very activities seemed outwardly hard for me to attend to other people.  I love Glenn’s story about how you high-fived every player on the opposing girl’s basketball team.  I remember that well since it obviously took a few minutes to get to our seat, and there were even a few seconds there where I wondered if we would make it to our seat, and I was certainly relieved when we did make it there.  But the lesson you taught us in those few moments is one of the many daily lessons we all learned from you.  The opposing team was not the enemy, they were our friends, just as every person you passed wherever you went was your friend.  I remember with a smile on the face this one lady that sincerely asked after you gave her one of your big greetings, “Do I know him?” and I responded that you “knew everyone.”  Isn’t that so true?

August 5, 2006

I was always so proud of you, and felt such joy, as you would happily meet as many people as you could, whether it was a quick handshake, a short “hi hi hi” or a “come ‘ere.”  You were the social glue that cemented each activity, as each person knew and felt of your love and friendship.  I LOVED being your Mom, also meeting each person, quickly saying hello (most of the time there wasn’t much time for more than that as you would immediately find someone else to say hello to), and loving the fact that we walked hand in hand, bonded and close, in these many moments of friendship, unity and joy. 

Poem by Aunt Cynthia

I AM A MISSIONARY --

By Cynthia Clarke, Joshua's Aunt

October 15, 2006

If I could have chosen another way

To have lived my life on earth

Or blessed with a higher IQ

Than I could use after birth.

If I could have run a little faster

Or kicked a ball further away

I’d turn my back on all those things

Because I was a missionary.

If I could have spoken more clearly

And learned how to make a phone call.

If I could have gone on some dates

With the girls I hugged at the mall.

If I had sung hymns a little louder

Or had a job with better pay

I’d turn my back on all those things

Because I was a missionary.

There are many ways to share the joy

Of Christ and His true church.

Walking dusty roads in foreign lands

Even knocking on strangers doors.

Because Jesus said “Come follow me.”

I tried with all of my might

To answer yes to His loving call

With handshakes, hugs and high fives!

I did my best to share His love,

And my knowledge of Heavenly Father.

All who saw me knew I was truly blessed

When watching me with my mother.

Although I wish we were together now

No more burdens do I carry.

I followed Christ to His home on high

So I am still a missionary.

Finding Holland continued (1991 - 2005)

1991 - 2005

"Finding Holland" --- continued

So I say “Welcome to Joshua” as we look beyond the disability into the very special,

the very lovely things about Joshua.

Joshua's Senior Picture

Would Joshua be handsome?

Yes.  The light in his eyes and the love in his heart only added to his beautiful features, and made him extremely handsome.  I constantly told Joshua he was handsome, although he didn’t fully understand the meaning of the word.  But I realized how much I had told him how handsome he was when one of his teachers asked me to help him figure out what Joshua was trying to tell him.  Scott said that Joshua kept saying “hassom” to him.  I immediately smile and told Scott that Joshua was just trying to tell him how handsome he was.

Uncle Carl helping Joshua with his computer!

Would Joshua be a good student in school?

Yes.  Although academically, Joshua was not able to receive passing grades, his effort, his participation, and his excitement for school, his teachers, his classmates and his peer tutors were unsurpassed.  His enthusiastic words of “I did it” became precious words to hear as he expressed them about the smallest things that he would finally learn, no matter how long it took to learn them.  (At the time of his death at age 22, Joshua’s mental capacity was from age 2 to 6, and his IQ was not able to be measured.)  With this mental capacity, you can imagine how proud of him I was when one of his teachers called him a “model student.”  In fact, because his teachers gave him a letter grade anyway because of his excellent effort, Joshua did get college and military offers throughout his teen years, which were always a source of fun to see which school wanted to give Joshua a scholarship.

Would he excel in sports?

 Yes.  Joshua did not usually win any races physically, but he won them emotionally with his effort and enthusiasm.  Joshua’s classic “jump” across the 50-yard dash finish line, or when jumping the last steps to first base in t-ball or when throwing a gutter ball in Special Olympics bowling are sweet memories as each “jump” was a celebration of that particular race or accomplishment.  Joshua had done his best, and the cheers and hugs from all who worked with him were filled with joy and love for his victory, no matter how small to the world, it was big and sweet to us.   Also, just ask his brothers how hard Joshua can hit a small little rock, with a very expensive hockey stick, and you would definitely have to say he had great athletic ability.

Would he have good friends?

Yes.  Joshua could not carry on a conversation as we know it.  But Joshua could spread sunshine into every room he walked in.  I loved watching him at school (when he couldn’t see me) and watch as he gave hugs, high fives and handshakes to as many students as he could.  I saw him brighten the day of students and teachers who a moment before had seemed unhappy or serious.  After Joshua’s typical “hi, hi, hi” greeting accompanied by his classic hug, high five or handshake, a stranger’s faces would light up with a smile and return hug, high five or handshake for Joshua, and he would make yet another new friend.  I always loved taking him to public places, and marveling at the number of people who already knew him and would call him by name.  It was amazing.

Where would he serve his mission?

Yes.  Joshua would serve his mission in North Hollywood, California, and in St. George, Midvale, Sandy, Pleasant Grove and Provo, Utah.  He would serve his mission among family members, friends, and strangers.  And his mission became one of love and joy given as each person who knew him or met him felt of the depth of his heart as the love for his fellow man seemed to leap out of his skinny body.  Every day was an adventure.  Whether I took Joshua with him into a doctor’s office, a grocery store, the park, church, etc., we were sure to meet new people and create new and very memorable experiences.  I loved being a part of this deep love that Joshua showed to the world around him, making the world a better place every day that he was alive.

Who would he marry, etc.? 

I don’t know the answer to that question yet.  I do know that beautiful young ladies loved Joshua.  And I look forward to that answer with much anticipation and joy.

My family was truly blessed to have been given such a wonderful son, brother, grandson, nephew and cousin.  We had been greetings and hugs throughout our life.  We felt Joshua give us all the love he had inside overgrown heart.  Even as Joshua developed epilepsy in his later teen years, as heart wrenching as this was, we received the blessing of sacrifice and service for a much loved son and brother.  We marveled at his attitude after suffering extremely difficult seizures as he would immediately say “hi” and his light would shine through the physical pain and suffering he had just endured.

Joshua is an amazing example to all who meet him of endurance and love through extreme trial and heartache.  The atonement of Jesus Christ lifted and showed us the blessing of Joshua.  Heavenly Father prepared the way for Joshua to have a happy life, and he did.  My heart will always be full of so much gratitude for each person that made a difference in Joshua’s life, who sacrificed in various ways to give him love and happiness.  While we served Joshua, he actually taught all who knew him, and changed people for the good and made them better. 

This blog is the celebration of the young man Joshua has become, it is the story of the positive influence he has had on his family, extended family, teachers and friends.  It is a celebration of the joy he brought into the lives of all those who come in contact with this very special boy.

And it answers the questions that were in my heart as I felt joy in my first newborn son on who he would really become and what he would contribute to the world.  My dreams were much different when he was born, and thankfully who Joshua became was much more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. 

So I say “Welcome to Joshua” as we look beyond the disability into the very special, the very lovely things about Joshua. 





Finding Holland continued (1991 - 2005)

1991 - 2005

"Finding Holland"

My broken dreams vanished, as new and beautiful hopes and dreams came in to view. 

So as I contemplated on the questions and desires I had for Joshua’s life when he was born,

I realized that the questions had stayed the same, but the answers had changed.

If one looked outwardly at our family situation, there would seem to be more burdens than blessings.  Joshua was the oldest of five siblings.  At the time his youngest brother was born, I had 3 children in diapers since at age 12, Joshua was still not toilet trained.  There was much sacrifice, little sleep and many tears shed during this time.

The hardships and frustrations abounded with aggressive outbursts, hitting siblings throughout the day, countless items thrown over the fence, out the window, down the toilet, etc. and every family activity being disrupted in some way.  Joshua’s siblings could not watch TV, play Nintendo or do homework without some type of interruption or outburst from Joshua.  We had very few normal family events such as a meal, or family home evening or family prayer without some kind of problem from the tantrums, the hitting or the throwing.  But it was what happened between these behaviors that became the real celebration of Joshua.  His skinny body was so full of love, we learned to not focus on his autistic behaviors, and instead celebrate and joy in the beautiful young man Joshua was inside with his overflowing love and interest and affection for the world around him.  

There was a scripture in the New Testament which read:  “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  (Matthew 11:28-30.)

I took this scripture to heart, and I learned more about Jesus Christ, and what this scripture could mean to me.  I learned and felt of the love Jesus Christ had for Joshua, and for me, and this brought rest to my soul.  The physical burden of caring for Joshua did not go away, but the capacity and strength to do so was increased.  My burden did become light through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Another scripture that literally carried me through the physical strength required of me is found in The Book of Mormon.  It reads: “And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. . . the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”  (Mosiah 24:14-15.) 

Joshua required daily physical care through self-help skills (diaper changes, bathing and dressing), along with physical strength needed to lift and carry him after behaviors and seizures.  Many times I would need to carry him on my back to get him from one place to another.  I was thankful he was skinny, but since he grew to be 6 feet tall, this was not always an easy task.  When I read the promise of this scripture that I would not “feel them upon” my back this became true in that carrying Joshua on my back was no longer a burden, and the strength given to me by Heavenly Father gave me the ability to literally carry Joshua on my back with much joy and gratitude in my heart, for a very special young man with a huge and loving heart. 

As I learned to rely and focus more on the strength and love that was being offered to me by a loving Heavenly Father, I was thankful for the patience He had shown me, as I had not seen Joshua for who he could truly become.  I became more and more aware of His love, and the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ for Joshua and for me.  I knew that my strength was not sufficient enough to give Joshua all he needed in this life.  I placed my trust and faith in Christ’s atonement to give all I had for Joshua, and watched in wonder as the rest of Joshua’s needs (physically, spiritually and emotionally) were met by sacrifice and love given throughout his life by loving hands of family, friends and strangers.  Henry B. Eyring, stated “We need strength beyond ourselves to keep the commandments in whatever circumstance life brings to us.”  (Henry B. Eyring, Ensign, May 2004).  I was given the gift of that strength every day.

There is also a scripture in the Pearl of Great Price that reads: “And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”  (Abraham 3:25.)

This was an extremely difficult task and journey to raise a child with disabilities.  I learned throughout this journey that this was a blessing and a privilege and my Heavenly Father expected me to make sure Joshua’s life was full of happiness and joy, through accomplishment and experiences, and through the love of the world around him.  There was no doubt that I needed strength beyond myself to accomplish this.  I am thankful every day for the sacrifice and strength of others that allowed me to accomplish this very special assignment.  There were many things I desired for Joshua throughout his life, but the things I desired the most for Joshua was that he would know and feel he was loved and to have a happy life.  People gave him that happiness, that love and the joy which filled him with purpose and importance.

My journey with Joshua, that had already been filled with more beauty than I had realized, now became an even more joyous adventure, day by day.  Although extremely difficult, heart-wrenching and exhausting, my life with Joshua became one of unity, joy and purpose.  I depended daily on the strength and love from above, along with the strength, sacrifice and love from many family members, friends and strangers whose loving hands lifted me, bringing me renewed strength and deep gratitude and joy.

My broken dreams vanished, as new and beautiful hopes and dreams came in to view.  So as I contemplated on the questions and desires I had for Joshua’s life when he was born, I realized that the questions had stayed the same, but the answers had changed.

"Welcome to Holland" (1991)

1991 --

"Welcome to  Holland" ---

This story was the beginning of my change in perspective as I now changed course to see

the very beautiful, the very lovely things about my son.

When Joshua was about 8 years old, a friend of mine gave me a copy of a beautiful article called “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Perl Kingsley.  I loved it instantly.  I felt the connection to my situation and knew that I was focusing too much on what Joshua’s could not do, instead of focusing on what Joshua could do.  Yes, there were broken dreams, but this article gave greater hope and greater joy in new dreams.  This perspective was a huge help on the harder days to help me retain my focus on the very beautiful, the very lovely things about my son.

Welcome to Holland

By Emily Perl Kingsley

It’s like this . . .  When you’re going to have a child, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans.  The Colosseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands.  The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say.  “What do you mean, Holland?  I signed up for Italy!  I’m supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan.  You’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is . . . they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease.  It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks.  And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place.  But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills.  Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go.  That’s what I had planned.”

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

(Elaine L. Jack, "Grounded, Settled, and Full of Hope", Ensign, Mar. 1996, 19.)

The miracle and the realization of the countless very special, very lovely things about Joshua, and the discovery of these new guidebooks, "languages" and wonderful, compassionate and sensitive people was truly a beautiful journey of love.

My hope is that the many posts in this memory blog capture the incredible blessings and joys of my very special and beautiful son.

To read the continuation of my journey to find Holland, click the following links:

http://joshuasheartfullofhugs.blogspot.com/2013/04/1991-2005-finding-holland-my-broken.html

http://joshuasheartfullofhugs.blogspot.com/2013/05/1991-2005-finding-holland-continued-so.html

Aggression, Throwing and Learning

1986 - 1988 --

Aggression, Throwing and Learning ---

I wish I knew (and at times I do) what could bring him to severe agitation one minute
and pure love the next.

At the age of three years old, Joshua was approximately the same age as a 12 to 18 month old.  Later at the age of 15 years (and many experiences later), he had progressed enough that he was the same age level as a two to six year old.  He could say two to three word sentences, repeat the ABCs (with prompts) and count to 10 and sometimes even 20.  With the help of great school teachers, he had learned simple games on his computer — which he absolutely loved He could draw a circle (or an “O”), a straight line (or an “l) and was excited to draw and write more.  He loved to watch his favorite video tapes and/or TV programs, jumping on the trampoline and playing any kind of ball game.  However, he could not pedal or steer a bike, or write his name, or do simple math.

I was working full-time with two young sons, and a husband who was going through school.  Joshua was still in a diaper.  He did not always sleep through the night, and he was an early riser.  Joshua did not understand so many things.  He was aggressive, and he loved to throw things.  We bought him a miniature basketball court so he could throw the ball into the net.  He loved playing basketball, and he continued to love throwing anything and everything.  He loved to play with people’s ears, and with his love of throwing, and his love of ears, I could not wear earnings for a while as more than once my earrings had been thrown across the chapel at church or just thrown somewhere.

I could not let go of Joshua’s hand in a public place or he would be in danger of either running out into the street, or getting lost.  I was in wonder at Jeremy, 2 years younger than Joshua, who would walk obediently beside me at parks, stores, church, etc., as I was constantly trying to keep hold of Joshua’s hand or if I lost it for a moment, I was surely the next moment chasing him as he ran out of control.  For the rest of his life, every day, was spent keeping Joshua safe, and happy, in countless and various ways.

Joshua was like a hurricane, or tornado.  Wherever Joshua went he can and did leave a trail of destruction.  He could mess up a room faster than anyone I knew.  He knocked things off of walls, pushed everything off the table, ripped wallpaper, spilled things and left his mark.  At times it was intentional, and at other times he just didn’t realize that the ball he threw hit a certain picture on the wall or knocked something off the table.  He would also grab me, Mike or his younger brothers and sister and hit them or scream and throw tantrums.  A room could instantly change upon his presence.  At other times, he could walk in a room and hug everyone and walk with his special walk and leave a trail of love.  You never knew which trail you would get.  I wish I knew (and at times I do) what could bring him to severe agitation one minute and pure love the next.

The Autism Diagnosis

1987-1989 --

The Autism Diagnosis ---

The word “autism” seemed like a monster to me.

It was a small word with enormous consequences.

Joshua having fun with his younger, yet "older," brother Jeremy

During these first few years at his new special education school I continued my search for a diagnosis.  At one point, a friend of mine gave me some information on autism, and suggested I look into that.  The description of autism was the first “label” that began to make sense.  Although Joshua did not fit all of the characteristics of autism, he fit into more than half of the characteristics.

  

A definition of autism from the Autism Society of America at the time was as follows:

  

Every person with autism is an individual, and like all individuals, has a unique personality and combination of characteristics. Some individuals who are mildly affected may exhibit only slight delays in language and greater challenges with social interactions. They may have difficulty initiating and/or maintaining a conversation. Their communication is often described as talking at others instead of to them (e.g., monologue on a favorite subject that continues despite attempts by others to interject comments). 

People with autism also process and respond to information in unique ways. In some cases, aggressive and/or self-injurious behavior may be present. Persons with autism may also exhibit some of the following traits:

• Insistence on sameness; resistance to change
• Difficulty in expressing needs; using gestures or pointing instead of words
• Repeating words or phrases in place of normal, responsive language
• Laughing (and/or crying) for no apparent reason; showing distress for reasons not apparent to others
• Preference to being alone; aloof manner
• Tantrums
• Difficulty in mixing with others
• Not wanting to cuddle or be cuddled
• Little or no eye contact
• Unresponsive to normal teaching methods
• Sustained odd play
• Spinning objects
• Obsessive attachment to objects
• Apparent over-sensitivity or under-sensitivity to pain
• No real fears of danger
• Noticeable physical over-activity or extreme under-activity
• Uneven gross/fine motor skills
• Non-responsive to verbal cues; acts as if deaf, although hearing tests are in normal range

(“Characteristics of Autism,” Autism Society of America, website www.autism-society.org).

At the age of 6, Joshua’s doctor confirmed this diagnosis and he was officially labeled as autistic.  Joshua did fit about more than half of the characteristics of autism, such as insistence on sameness; difficulty in expressing needs; repeating words or phrases; tantrums; unresponsive to normal teaching methods; obsessive attachment to objects; under-sensitivity to pain; no real fear of danger; noticeable physical over-activity; and uneven gross/fine motor skills. 

To go along with autism, Joshua was also diagnosed as severely mentally impaired and hyperactive.

The word “autism” seemed like a monster to me.  It was a small word with enormous consequences.  This word labeled my son, and seemed to take away hope and joy.  How was I going to raise a child with autism, a disability that the world was still struggling to understand, and a disability that I knew nothing about?  For a time, Joshua’s newly diagnosed disability and the immense effort it took to raise him felt so overwhelming and lonely.

But we had some unique and wonderful blessings with Joshua — he was happy!  He was loving!  I was thankful daily for this great blessing, because it kept me going.  I knew that even when progress was slow, and it usually was, Joshua could have a happy life.  I could take him to the park, let him play and run free — just like he wanted to — and enjoy life!  I could teach him about love and acceptance.  We could meet people and say hi and shake their hands.  I had no idea at that time how severe challenges could become even greater blessings.