Finding Holland continued (1991 - 2005)

1991 - 2005

"Finding Holland" --- continued

So I say “Welcome to Joshua” as we look beyond the disability into the very special,

the very lovely things about Joshua.

Joshua's Senior Picture

Would Joshua be handsome?

Yes.  The light in his eyes and the love in his heart only added to his beautiful features, and made him extremely handsome.  I constantly told Joshua he was handsome, although he didn’t fully understand the meaning of the word.  But I realized how much I had told him how handsome he was when one of his teachers asked me to help him figure out what Joshua was trying to tell him.  Scott said that Joshua kept saying “hassom” to him.  I immediately smile and told Scott that Joshua was just trying to tell him how handsome he was.

Uncle Carl helping Joshua with his computer!

Would Joshua be a good student in school?

Yes.  Although academically, Joshua was not able to receive passing grades, his effort, his participation, and his excitement for school, his teachers, his classmates and his peer tutors were unsurpassed.  His enthusiastic words of “I did it” became precious words to hear as he expressed them about the smallest things that he would finally learn, no matter how long it took to learn them.  (At the time of his death at age 22, Joshua’s mental capacity was from age 2 to 6, and his IQ was not able to be measured.)  With this mental capacity, you can imagine how proud of him I was when one of his teachers called him a “model student.”  In fact, because his teachers gave him a letter grade anyway because of his excellent effort, Joshua did get college and military offers throughout his teen years, which were always a source of fun to see which school wanted to give Joshua a scholarship.

Would he excel in sports?

 Yes.  Joshua did not usually win any races physically, but he won them emotionally with his effort and enthusiasm.  Joshua’s classic “jump” across the 50-yard dash finish line, or when jumping the last steps to first base in t-ball or when throwing a gutter ball in Special Olympics bowling are sweet memories as each “jump” was a celebration of that particular race or accomplishment.  Joshua had done his best, and the cheers and hugs from all who worked with him were filled with joy and love for his victory, no matter how small to the world, it was big and sweet to us.   Also, just ask his brothers how hard Joshua can hit a small little rock, with a very expensive hockey stick, and you would definitely have to say he had great athletic ability.

Would he have good friends?

Yes.  Joshua could not carry on a conversation as we know it.  But Joshua could spread sunshine into every room he walked in.  I loved watching him at school (when he couldn’t see me) and watch as he gave hugs, high fives and handshakes to as many students as he could.  I saw him brighten the day of students and teachers who a moment before had seemed unhappy or serious.  After Joshua’s typical “hi, hi, hi” greeting accompanied by his classic hug, high five or handshake, a stranger’s faces would light up with a smile and return hug, high five or handshake for Joshua, and he would make yet another new friend.  I always loved taking him to public places, and marveling at the number of people who already knew him and would call him by name.  It was amazing.

Where would he serve his mission?

Yes.  Joshua would serve his mission in North Hollywood, California, and in St. George, Midvale, Sandy, Pleasant Grove and Provo, Utah.  He would serve his mission among family members, friends, and strangers.  And his mission became one of love and joy given as each person who knew him or met him felt of the depth of his heart as the love for his fellow man seemed to leap out of his skinny body.  Every day was an adventure.  Whether I took Joshua with him into a doctor’s office, a grocery store, the park, church, etc., we were sure to meet new people and create new and very memorable experiences.  I loved being a part of this deep love that Joshua showed to the world around him, making the world a better place every day that he was alive.

Who would he marry, etc.? 

I don’t know the answer to that question yet.  I do know that beautiful young ladies loved Joshua.  And I look forward to that answer with much anticipation and joy.

My family was truly blessed to have been given such a wonderful son, brother, grandson, nephew and cousin.  We had been greetings and hugs throughout our life.  We felt Joshua give us all the love he had inside overgrown heart.  Even as Joshua developed epilepsy in his later teen years, as heart wrenching as this was, we received the blessing of sacrifice and service for a much loved son and brother.  We marveled at his attitude after suffering extremely difficult seizures as he would immediately say “hi” and his light would shine through the physical pain and suffering he had just endured.

Joshua is an amazing example to all who meet him of endurance and love through extreme trial and heartache.  The atonement of Jesus Christ lifted and showed us the blessing of Joshua.  Heavenly Father prepared the way for Joshua to have a happy life, and he did.  My heart will always be full of so much gratitude for each person that made a difference in Joshua’s life, who sacrificed in various ways to give him love and happiness.  While we served Joshua, he actually taught all who knew him, and changed people for the good and made them better. 

This blog is the celebration of the young man Joshua has become, it is the story of the positive influence he has had on his family, extended family, teachers and friends.  It is a celebration of the joy he brought into the lives of all those who come in contact with this very special boy.

And it answers the questions that were in my heart as I felt joy in my first newborn son on who he would really become and what he would contribute to the world.  My dreams were much different when he was born, and thankfully who Joshua became was much more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. 

So I say “Welcome to Joshua” as we look beyond the disability into the very special, the very lovely things about Joshua. 





Finding Holland continued (1991 - 2005)

1991 - 2005

"Finding Holland"

My broken dreams vanished, as new and beautiful hopes and dreams came in to view. 

So as I contemplated on the questions and desires I had for Joshua’s life when he was born,

I realized that the questions had stayed the same, but the answers had changed.

If one looked outwardly at our family situation, there would seem to be more burdens than blessings.  Joshua was the oldest of five siblings.  At the time his youngest brother was born, I had 3 children in diapers since at age 12, Joshua was still not toilet trained.  There was much sacrifice, little sleep and many tears shed during this time.

The hardships and frustrations abounded with aggressive outbursts, hitting siblings throughout the day, countless items thrown over the fence, out the window, down the toilet, etc. and every family activity being disrupted in some way.  Joshua’s siblings could not watch TV, play Nintendo or do homework without some type of interruption or outburst from Joshua.  We had very few normal family events such as a meal, or family home evening or family prayer without some kind of problem from the tantrums, the hitting or the throwing.  But it was what happened between these behaviors that became the real celebration of Joshua.  His skinny body was so full of love, we learned to not focus on his autistic behaviors, and instead celebrate and joy in the beautiful young man Joshua was inside with his overflowing love and interest and affection for the world around him.  

There was a scripture in the New Testament which read:  “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  (Matthew 11:28-30.)

I took this scripture to heart, and I learned more about Jesus Christ, and what this scripture could mean to me.  I learned and felt of the love Jesus Christ had for Joshua, and for me, and this brought rest to my soul.  The physical burden of caring for Joshua did not go away, but the capacity and strength to do so was increased.  My burden did become light through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Another scripture that literally carried me through the physical strength required of me is found in The Book of Mormon.  It reads: “And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. . . the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”  (Mosiah 24:14-15.) 

Joshua required daily physical care through self-help skills (diaper changes, bathing and dressing), along with physical strength needed to lift and carry him after behaviors and seizures.  Many times I would need to carry him on my back to get him from one place to another.  I was thankful he was skinny, but since he grew to be 6 feet tall, this was not always an easy task.  When I read the promise of this scripture that I would not “feel them upon” my back this became true in that carrying Joshua on my back was no longer a burden, and the strength given to me by Heavenly Father gave me the ability to literally carry Joshua on my back with much joy and gratitude in my heart, for a very special young man with a huge and loving heart. 

As I learned to rely and focus more on the strength and love that was being offered to me by a loving Heavenly Father, I was thankful for the patience He had shown me, as I had not seen Joshua for who he could truly become.  I became more and more aware of His love, and the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ for Joshua and for me.  I knew that my strength was not sufficient enough to give Joshua all he needed in this life.  I placed my trust and faith in Christ’s atonement to give all I had for Joshua, and watched in wonder as the rest of Joshua’s needs (physically, spiritually and emotionally) were met by sacrifice and love given throughout his life by loving hands of family, friends and strangers.  Henry B. Eyring, stated “We need strength beyond ourselves to keep the commandments in whatever circumstance life brings to us.”  (Henry B. Eyring, Ensign, May 2004).  I was given the gift of that strength every day.

There is also a scripture in the Pearl of Great Price that reads: “And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”  (Abraham 3:25.)

This was an extremely difficult task and journey to raise a child with disabilities.  I learned throughout this journey that this was a blessing and a privilege and my Heavenly Father expected me to make sure Joshua’s life was full of happiness and joy, through accomplishment and experiences, and through the love of the world around him.  There was no doubt that I needed strength beyond myself to accomplish this.  I am thankful every day for the sacrifice and strength of others that allowed me to accomplish this very special assignment.  There were many things I desired for Joshua throughout his life, but the things I desired the most for Joshua was that he would know and feel he was loved and to have a happy life.  People gave him that happiness, that love and the joy which filled him with purpose and importance.

My journey with Joshua, that had already been filled with more beauty than I had realized, now became an even more joyous adventure, day by day.  Although extremely difficult, heart-wrenching and exhausting, my life with Joshua became one of unity, joy and purpose.  I depended daily on the strength and love from above, along with the strength, sacrifice and love from many family members, friends and strangers whose loving hands lifted me, bringing me renewed strength and deep gratitude and joy.

My broken dreams vanished, as new and beautiful hopes and dreams came in to view.  So as I contemplated on the questions and desires I had for Joshua’s life when he was born, I realized that the questions had stayed the same, but the answers had changed.