Finding Holland continued (1991 - 2005)

1991 - 2005

"Finding Holland"

My broken dreams vanished, as new and beautiful hopes and dreams came in to view. 

So as I contemplated on the questions and desires I had for Joshua’s life when he was born,

I realized that the questions had stayed the same, but the answers had changed.

If one looked outwardly at our family situation, there would seem to be more burdens than blessings.  Joshua was the oldest of five siblings.  At the time his youngest brother was born, I had 3 children in diapers since at age 12, Joshua was still not toilet trained.  There was much sacrifice, little sleep and many tears shed during this time.

The hardships and frustrations abounded with aggressive outbursts, hitting siblings throughout the day, countless items thrown over the fence, out the window, down the toilet, etc. and every family activity being disrupted in some way.  Joshua’s siblings could not watch TV, play Nintendo or do homework without some type of interruption or outburst from Joshua.  We had very few normal family events such as a meal, or family home evening or family prayer without some kind of problem from the tantrums, the hitting or the throwing.  But it was what happened between these behaviors that became the real celebration of Joshua.  His skinny body was so full of love, we learned to not focus on his autistic behaviors, and instead celebrate and joy in the beautiful young man Joshua was inside with his overflowing love and interest and affection for the world around him.  

There was a scripture in the New Testament which read:  “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  (Matthew 11:28-30.)

I took this scripture to heart, and I learned more about Jesus Christ, and what this scripture could mean to me.  I learned and felt of the love Jesus Christ had for Joshua, and for me, and this brought rest to my soul.  The physical burden of caring for Joshua did not go away, but the capacity and strength to do so was increased.  My burden did become light through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Another scripture that literally carried me through the physical strength required of me is found in The Book of Mormon.  It reads: “And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. . . the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”  (Mosiah 24:14-15.) 

Joshua required daily physical care through self-help skills (diaper changes, bathing and dressing), along with physical strength needed to lift and carry him after behaviors and seizures.  Many times I would need to carry him on my back to get him from one place to another.  I was thankful he was skinny, but since he grew to be 6 feet tall, this was not always an easy task.  When I read the promise of this scripture that I would not “feel them upon” my back this became true in that carrying Joshua on my back was no longer a burden, and the strength given to me by Heavenly Father gave me the ability to literally carry Joshua on my back with much joy and gratitude in my heart, for a very special young man with a huge and loving heart. 

As I learned to rely and focus more on the strength and love that was being offered to me by a loving Heavenly Father, I was thankful for the patience He had shown me, as I had not seen Joshua for who he could truly become.  I became more and more aware of His love, and the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ for Joshua and for me.  I knew that my strength was not sufficient enough to give Joshua all he needed in this life.  I placed my trust and faith in Christ’s atonement to give all I had for Joshua, and watched in wonder as the rest of Joshua’s needs (physically, spiritually and emotionally) were met by sacrifice and love given throughout his life by loving hands of family, friends and strangers.  Henry B. Eyring, stated “We need strength beyond ourselves to keep the commandments in whatever circumstance life brings to us.”  (Henry B. Eyring, Ensign, May 2004).  I was given the gift of that strength every day.

There is also a scripture in the Pearl of Great Price that reads: “And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”  (Abraham 3:25.)

This was an extremely difficult task and journey to raise a child with disabilities.  I learned throughout this journey that this was a blessing and a privilege and my Heavenly Father expected me to make sure Joshua’s life was full of happiness and joy, through accomplishment and experiences, and through the love of the world around him.  There was no doubt that I needed strength beyond myself to accomplish this.  I am thankful every day for the sacrifice and strength of others that allowed me to accomplish this very special assignment.  There were many things I desired for Joshua throughout his life, but the things I desired the most for Joshua was that he would know and feel he was loved and to have a happy life.  People gave him that happiness, that love and the joy which filled him with purpose and importance.

My journey with Joshua, that had already been filled with more beauty than I had realized, now became an even more joyous adventure, day by day.  Although extremely difficult, heart-wrenching and exhausting, my life with Joshua became one of unity, joy and purpose.  I depended daily on the strength and love from above, along with the strength, sacrifice and love from many family members, friends and strangers whose loving hands lifted me, bringing me renewed strength and deep gratitude and joy.

My broken dreams vanished, as new and beautiful hopes and dreams came in to view.  So as I contemplated on the questions and desires I had for Joshua’s life when he was born, I realized that the questions had stayed the same, but the answers had changed.

"Welcome to Holland" (1991)

1991 --

"Welcome to  Holland" ---

This story was the beginning of my change in perspective as I now changed course to see

the very beautiful, the very lovely things about my son.

When Joshua was about 8 years old, a friend of mine gave me a copy of a beautiful article called “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Perl Kingsley.  I loved it instantly.  I felt the connection to my situation and knew that I was focusing too much on what Joshua’s could not do, instead of focusing on what Joshua could do.  Yes, there were broken dreams, but this article gave greater hope and greater joy in new dreams.  This perspective was a huge help on the harder days to help me retain my focus on the very beautiful, the very lovely things about my son.

Welcome to Holland

By Emily Perl Kingsley

It’s like this . . .  When you’re going to have a child, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans.  The Colosseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands.  The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say.  “What do you mean, Holland?  I signed up for Italy!  I’m supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan.  You’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is . . . they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease.  It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks.  And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place.  But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills.  Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go.  That’s what I had planned.”

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

(Elaine L. Jack, "Grounded, Settled, and Full of Hope", Ensign, Mar. 1996, 19.)

The miracle and the realization of the countless very special, very lovely things about Joshua, and the discovery of these new guidebooks, "languages" and wonderful, compassionate and sensitive people was truly a beautiful journey of love.

My hope is that the many posts in this memory blog capture the incredible blessings and joys of my very special and beautiful son.

To read the continuation of my journey to find Holland, click the following links:

http://joshuasheartfullofhugs.blogspot.com/2013/04/1991-2005-finding-holland-my-broken.html

http://joshuasheartfullofhugs.blogspot.com/2013/05/1991-2005-finding-holland-continued-so.html