Joy in the Waiting Room

Joy in the Waiting Room

"Are you the Mom of that cute boy I love?"

As I parked my car at the Tri City Medical Clinic in American Fork, Utah I had a flood of sweet and fun memories wash over me thinking of the many hours I had spent in this waiting room while raising my five children through all of the various medical needs of babies and children.  It had been well over 10 years since I had been here, and I was here to ask for my youngest son's immunization records.  (Tri City Medical Clinic is now Premier Family Medical Clinic.)

I thought about the many adventures in the waiting room with Joshua and usually two or three more young children, and the commotion and ruckus we always caused.  I always said that if you were ever bored or tired in a waiting room, just wait until Joshua walked in the room!!  He loved to meet every single person in the waiting room and behind the desk.  He shared his videos and books, sometimes putting them right in someone's face.  He said "hi" too many times to count.  He shook hands, gave high fives and pulled and patted arms.  And of course he threw things!  I remembered many kind and loving workers and patients.

Now as I walked in, I wanted to ask if anyone had worked there longer than 10 years so that I could ask if they remembered Joshua.  I felt a little silly, but I was determined to ask that before I left.  But I didn't even have to ask... 

As I was finishing up at the desk, the cute lady (Jodi) at the other desk suddenly asked:

"Are you the Mom of that cute boy I love?"

Joy and wonder overtook me as I excitedly answered "yes!"  You remember Joshua?  And then Jodi went on to talk about how much she loved it when Joshua came in and how he loved to share his book with her and show her the pages.  And I remembered too the kindness and patience and love Jodi gave to him when he repeatedly shared his book.  And then Jodi said "He was a joy."  And at that moment, she gave me the gift of joy.

As she reminisced, and we talked about his video tapes and greetings to people, Kelli, her co-worker, also remembered Joshua and we just talked and remembered sweet times together.

Their words will always be a treasured gift as these wonderful, beautiful ladies remembered and loved my very special son.  It is always difficult and heart-breaking to tell people who loved him that he had died.  And this was no different.  They were touched by the symbolism of his dying of an enlarged heart.  And their love for him is another drop of healing as I miss my precious son every day. 

I am so thankful for this sweet and precious gift of today.

Field of Dreams

Our own "Field of Dreams"
Adapted T-Ball Begins - 1998


That first season was so magical! 
 We had about 64 children sign up from ages 5 to 22, and created 8 teams. 
We called our beautiful grass area at Westmore Elementary School our “Field of Dreams.” 

Helping Joshua run to his base!

As Joshua’s Mom, I was always looking for ways Joshua could participate in “normal” activities. When we moved to the Salt Lake area, he was old enough for sports.  Since he loved running, throwing, and he loved balls, t-ball seemed just the thing.  Miraculously, there was an adapted t-ball in Salt Lake City which I eagerly signed him up for.  This was a special league of player with disabilities from throughout the valley, and we had a great time.  Joshua did have to be watched particularly close, since he often could be seen running straight out to Centerfield, toward the street! The coaches were kind, loving and patient with him.  

Jumping to Uncle Mark while playing outfield!

In 1995 we moved to Utah County.  Shortly after our move I started looking for adapted leagues in our new area but could not find any.  I started contacting various sports directors in cities throughout Utah County to ask if they would consider beginning an adapted t-ball league.  Working part-time, and raising 5 children at this time, didn’t always give me the time to do this, but finally I got a yes!!  Mark Lindsay, director at Orem Recreation, asked me to come in to his office and give a presentation.  I quickly organized some pictures and information from the Salt Lake City league and met with Mark.

Giving Joshua a high-five when he reaches home plate

We had a great first meeting!  Under Mark’s leadership and expertise, the first adapted t-ball league of Utah County was organized in May of 1998!

That first season was so magical!  We had about 64 children sign up from ages 5 to 22, and created 8 teams.  We called our beautiful grass area at Westmore Elementary School our “Field of Dreams.”  I was honored to the coach of Joshua’s team and loved every single minute!!  The players had various disabilities , various levels of playing, various attention spans and beautiful faces!!  

Joy and love overflowed in abundance every Saturday at our Field of Dreams.

I loved every minute of my 8 years as the Adapted T-Ball Coach for Orem Recreation.

Joshua's 1st TBall Trophy - 1998

Deseret News Article
"A big homerun from the heart"

By Sharon M. Haddock, Staff Writer

Published: Tuesday, June 30 1998 12:00 a.m. MDT

The pitcher tagged the runner, but the player made it to first base anyway, grinning all the way.

The girl racing to third base overshot the mark and inadvertently made it to home plate, passing up her teammate standing resolutely on third.But that's all right. Nobody minds.

In fact, what's important at the T-ball games for the Orem Handicapped Youth League isn't a rule or a score.

It's love and kindness and joy.

You can see it in the faces all over the field. The coaches, planted strategically at every base and critical points in between, are as thrilled as the players when a smacked ball flies over the right fielder's head. They're more than happy when a player on the opposing team makes a nice play that theoretically puts one of their players out.

The parents are exultant as kids who rarely get an opportunity to succeed make a home run.

The players are just plain having fun.

"It's so much fun, now we're going for a soccer and a basketball league," said Selma Eisenstat.
Eisenstat is the parental force behind the creation of the handicapped T-ball league. She mentioned the idea to Orem recreation wellness manager Mark Lindsay last fall because she wanted her son, Joshua, to have a place to play.

"In Salt Lake, we usually had 30 in the league," Eisenstat said.

"Here, we've had more kids than we thought we would. We're up to 68 kids and eight teams."

The league plays every Saturday morning at Westmore Elementary between 9 and 11 a.m. on two fields. Players are between the ages of 5 and 18.

They pay $25 to register. That covers the cost of providing staff and equipment, T-shirts, team pictures and a 5-inch individual trophy for participation.

Some are physically handicapped. One uses a walker to run the bases. Others, like Eisenstat's son, are autistic or hyperactive. All of them need the emotional and physical outlet the games provide.

"We don't let them strike out," Eisenstat said. "We don't keep score."

Eisenstat said the kids really seem to be enjoying the entire exercise.

"One kid picked me up when he made the base," she said. "It's very inspirational, a lot of hugs and high-fives."

"I just want it to keep going."

Lindsay says the success of the program's first year will very probably lead to the initiation of other programs.

"There's nothing like this in Utah County," he said. "We've had a handicapped child in the regular teams but not a strictly adapted handicapped program."

Lindsay said the response to the program has surprised him.

"To be honest, I didn't know what to expect when Selma first approached me about this," Lindsay
said. "We'd never done anything like this."

Memories to last a lifetime!
#fieldofdreams, #oremrecreation

Poem by Cousin Ashley

Joshua - a Poem

By Ashley Larson, Joshua's cousin

October 14, 2006

J

J stands for the Joy

He brought to every girl and boy

O

O stands for how he Openly embraced

Every person that he faced

S

S stands for his Smile

Warm and sweet and so worth while

H

H stands for the Happiness that he brought

With all the lessons that he taught

U

U stands for the Unique person that he was

Always deserving a big applause

A

A stands for the Amazing lessons that he taught to us

Including how to love and trust

We love you Joshua Boy!

I am Joshua's Mom - My Gift

I Am Joshua's Mom - My Gift

 

And once I stopped focusing on what Joshua couldn’t do, and saw the many things he could do, 

my heart healed, I saw the beauty of Joshua’s life and we had an incredible journey together.

I am Joshua’s Mom.  I was given a beautiful gift. I was blessed to raise and love a child with disabilities.  The myriad of emotions and experiences that occurred on a daily basis are a priceless treasure.

I have grieved over lost dreams; and thrilled over new dreams.   My heart broke as I failed to see many of the positive, and saw much of the negative of Joshua’s condition.  A scripture in the New Testament helped to heal my heart.  In Matthew 11:28-30, it reads:

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

This scripture helped me to see Joshua how Jesus Christ saw Joshua, as a valuable, wonderful, important young man.  As I thought of His perfect love for Joshua, and looked to Him for strength, support and guidance, I felt a deeper and pure love for my beautiful son.  I began to see more clearly the many things he could do.  And once I stopped focusing on what Joshua couldn’t do, and saw the many things he could do, my heart healed, I saw the beauty of Joshua’s life and we had an incredible journey together.

In Joshua’s early years, I felt emptiness watching other toddlers hug their mothers while I received none.  I wanted my own hugs from my sweet boy.  At the time I did not realize that this was an early sign of his autistic attributes.  I decided that if I wanted Joshua to hug me that I would need to teach him how.  Each day or night I would place Joshua’s arms around my neck so he could hug me, and I would hug him back.  I told Joshua “I love you.”  This was the only way for me to receive my “Mom” hug I wanted so much.  Several years went by in this manner.  Then one night my sister Anna was at my house, and I went to place Joshua’s arms around my neck for my hug.  But this was not an ordinary night.  Before I was able to guide Joshua’s house around my neck, he placed them around my neck in his first natural and so very precious hug.  We cried out in joy and excitement.  Joshua had finally learned to hug! I had no idea at the time that this was just the beautiful beginning of the wonder and joy of daily and countless wet kisses and hugs.

Throughout my life, I have been filled and sustained by the heart full of love inside my very special son, Joshua.  Even while experiencing trials and frustration from his tantrums and aggressiveness, there was no doubt in my own heart of Joshua’s love and acceptance of me.  Joshua made me feel, as a mother, completely loved. 

As traumatic and devastating as his death will always be, I will always be in awe of the cause of his death, an enlarged heart.  This physical enlarged heart inside this very skinny young man is a great symbolism of his even larger spiritual heart.  This was a gift straight from heaven to sustain me throughout my life as even in his death, Joshua’s mission and love for all people, shone through with deep and lasting symbolism and meaning.

Some of the most painful comments and questions I have heard since Joshua’s death have to do with the assumption that I now feel relief and freedom, that now I can “live my life” and go forward.  I have ached and cried inside for the loneliness and emptiness within my heart to be separated from my very special son.  The bond and love between Joshua and I was so strong, and our earthly separation bears more of a burden of loss and adjustment than I can fully explain.  I recently read a quote that summed up some of the deep feelings of my heart for Joshua: 

“Grief is the natural by-product of love.  One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death.  The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning.  Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father.”  (Lance B. Wickman, “But If Not,” Ensign, Nov. 2002, 30.)

The Scriptures became a very important “instruction book” to help me to know how to have the strength and insight to raise Joshua. A wise and kind bishop, Brent Palmer, challenged me to read 3 Nephi 17 out loud, thinking of Joshua.  I read those verses many times knowing that our Savior loved Joshua.  And when He healed the little children, my heart was healed in acceptance of Joshua’s mission and role in this life.  Now as I read these verses, I know that Joshua has now been healed physically, and left this life with angels surrounding him. (3 Nephi 17:7-25.)

The verses in Moroni 7 were imprinted on his missionary plaque, because charity and the pure love of Christ is all about who Joshua was.  “But charity is the pure love of Christ and it endureth forever.  And whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.”  And I know that not only was Joshua possessed of charity at the last day, but also every day throughout his life.  This was beautiful to be a part of each day.   (Moroni 7:47.)

 
This love that gave the relationship Joshua and I shared such richness, such depth and such joy is the very same love that causes me to anguish and sorrow over his pain and sufferings while in this life, rejoice and celebrate over his strengths and triumphs, and has also caused me to anguish, cry, grieve and ache over the separation and loss that are inevitable from his death.  It is also that very same depth of love that fills me with peace and joy that my wonderful son completely fulfilled his purpose and mission in this life – that of showing pure love to family, friends and strangers throughout his short 22 years of life.  I will feel eternal gratitude that I am the mother of such a pure and loving young man, who left such deep and lasting imprints on the lives of those who came in contact with him. 

Mother's Day Kiss

Mother's Day Kiss

“I have a 21 year old son who will still blow kisses to me in public.”

E-Mail dated  May 7, 2004

Dear Family & Friends:

I realized this morning that Joshua gave me a very classic and special Mother's Day gift last night.   As a little background, this week has been interesting (but that's not unusual) -- there have been too many hits to count each day, too many minutes trying to get him to go somewhere, some harder seizures, a lot of interrupted sleep, a stinky diaper at the wrong time, items thrown out the car window, etc., etc.  Anyway -- we have certainly learned to laugh at all of these.

But, last night at Special Needs Mutual, there was a Court of Honor for all of the Special Needs Scouts.  First of all, I could not get Joshua's Scout shirt on -- no amount of coaxing or force was working, so I gave up.  And then when we arrived at Mutual, they were holding the Court of Honor on the grass outside, but Joshua was use to going inside and would not stay outside, so after he spent a fair amount of time in the Church, his helper Jordan finally coaxed and helped to get him to the grass area.  And then we were relieved when we finally got him to sit down.  Well, he was doing fairly well until it was his troop's turn to go up to the front and receive their awards.  He would absolutely not, no way, go up to the front.  Several of us were coaxing, gently pushing, etc., etc.  And finally his leader thought of putting a chair up there, and that did it.  This prompted Joshua to stand and go to the front, but he would not sit in the leader's chair, he had to carry his own up.  So there he sat at the front -- finally --- with his troop to receive his 5 merit badges.

And then, he looked around, and said "Where's Selma."  I stood and waved.  He spotted me and got excited, and gave his cute little wave back.  And then --- the classic Joshua moment --- HE BLEW ME A KISS!!!

No picture could have captured the love and joy behind his kiss.  And, as I sit in gratitude today for that very special kiss, I realize that I have a 21 YEAR OLD SON WHO WILL STILL BLOW KISSES TO ME IN PUBLIC.  Can you beat that???  That is truly a blessing.

Thanks to all of you for the love you give Joshua -- I hope you all get the same kisses blown to you.

Love,
Selma