A Flood of Memories - A Flood of Tears

A Flood of Memories - A Flood of Tears

January 28, 2016

I love my Joshua moments -- or kisses from heaven as I call them -- that can come at any time - as brief as a bag of McDonalds food in the middle of the road, or as amazing as running into four of Joshua's t-ball friends in the same day!

And just two days after Joshua's birthday I had the floodgates of memory and emotion run very deep.  I was sitting in my office at Seminaries and Institutes, when the foyer door opened, and a work friend Brooke, was helping an older gentleman in his walker through the doorway.  As Brooke helped the gentleman steer the walker into the hallway it got caught and I jumped up and helped him get around the corner.  I asked if they needed more help, but at the time they were fine.  I started to go back into my office, but saw the gentlemen begin to fall sideways onto the floor.  I sprang back over to assist him and helped hold him under his arms, while Brooke held the other side.  At the same time one of my bosses, Joel, was at the far end of the hallway and saw what was happening, and immediately ran down the hallway to help hold the gentleman.  As we all tried to help him back up, I was fully aware of the familiarity of what I was doing.  When the gentleman mentioned he was not allowed to sit on the walker to be pushed down the hall, I immediately suggested a rolling chair that was in my office.  They thought that was such a great idea!  (I have to give Joshua's teacher Cory Thomas credit for that one!)  Anyway, they ended up using a rolling chair from the Family History Center.  And then we helped him onto the chair, and Brooke and Joel rolled him down the hall.  As I was walking beside them, and the reality of the precious memories of Joshua rushed to the surface, my emotions came like a flood with joy and sorrow, with missing and longing, with sweet memories of a very treasured son.  

I returned to my office and sat in wonder at what I had just experienced.  I had to hold back sobs because I had just had a very precious moment with Joshua.  This was my life for years to serve my handsome and special son ... to lift and hold him ... to protect and comfort him.  Joshua fell or had seizures without warning multiple times throughout each day!  I absolutely miss this pure love and daily sacrifice each day.  Joshua was not heavy, and this gentleman was not heavy.  The Spirit of Christ was always present, as it was again today.  

As Joel and I talked to my other boss Doug about the experience, and what a tender mercy from heaven this was, Doug mentioned that perhaps Joshua had pushed the gentlemen over so I could have this very real and precious Joshua moment today! Joshua was quite rambunctious and created a lot of havoc, so that is definitely not beyond the realm of possibility!

As Joshua would have been 33 this week, I did pray for these kisses from heaven!  I felt them as I took Jeremy to lunch -- who always loved sharing his birthday with Joshua and who still makes Joshua a part of his birthday!  I felt them as Jeremy, Jamie, Jacob, Janson and I tell precious stories and feel our love for each other and for Joshua.  I felt them as I attended the Mount Timpanogos Temple on his birthday with my wonderful sister-in-law Debbie, and as I ran into three friends who had special meaning in my life and in Joshua's life.  I felt them with Jacob and Janson as we spent time at the grave and ice cream at McDonalds.  I loved the family stories and memories, cards and sweet messages (by text and Facebook) and phone calls from family and friends!

The floodgates of memories, and of course the floodgates of tears opened wide for me, a very thankful Mom, for some very real sweet moments with my Joshua boy that truly felt like kisses from Heaven!