1991 - 2005
"Finding Holland"
My broken dreams vanished, as new and beautiful hopes and dreams came in to view.
So as I contemplated on the questions and desires I had for Joshua’s life when he was born,
I realized that the questions had stayed the same, but the answers had changed.
If
one looked outwardly at our family situation, there would seem to be more
burdens than blessings. Joshua was the
oldest of five siblings. At the time his
youngest brother was born, I had 3 children in diapers since at age 12, Joshua
was still not toilet trained. There was
much sacrifice, little sleep and many tears shed during this time.
The
hardships and frustrations abounded with aggressive outbursts, hitting siblings
throughout the day, countless items thrown over the fence, out the window, down
the toilet, etc. and every family activity being disrupted in some way. Joshua’s siblings could not watch TV, play
Nintendo or do homework without some type of interruption or outburst from
Joshua. We had very few normal family
events such as a meal, or family home evening or family prayer without some
kind of problem from the tantrums, the hitting or the throwing. But it was what happened between these
behaviors that became the real celebration of Joshua. His skinny body was so full of love, we
learned to not focus on his autistic behaviors, and instead celebrate and joy
in the beautiful young man Joshua was inside with his overflowing love and
interest and affection for the world around him.
There
was a scripture in the New Testament which read: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I
am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is
light.” (Matthew 11:28-30.)
I
took this scripture to heart, and I learned more about Jesus Christ, and what
this scripture could mean to me. I
learned and felt of the love Jesus Christ had for Joshua, and for me, and this
brought rest to my soul. The physical
burden of caring for Joshua did not go away, but the capacity and strength to
do so was increased. My burden did
become light through the atonement of Jesus Christ.
Another
scripture that literally carried me through the physical strength required of
me is found in The Book of Mormon. It reads: “And I will also ease the burdens
which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your
backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as
witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord
God, do visit my people in their afflictions. . . the Lord did strengthen them
that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully
and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”
(Mosiah 24:14-15.)
Joshua
required daily physical care through self-help skills (diaper changes, bathing
and dressing), along with physical strength needed to lift and carry him after
behaviors and seizures. Many times I
would need to carry him on my back to get him from one place to another. I was thankful he was skinny, but since he
grew to be 6 feet tall, this was not always an easy task. When I read the promise of this scripture
that I would not “feel them upon” my back this became true in that carrying
Joshua on my back was no longer a burden, and the strength given to me by
Heavenly Father gave me the ability to literally carry Joshua on my back with
much joy and gratitude in my heart, for a very special young man with a huge
and loving heart.
As
I learned to rely and focus more on the strength and love that was being
offered to me by a loving Heavenly Father, I was thankful for the patience He
had shown me, as I had not seen Joshua for who he could truly become. I became more and more aware of His love, and
the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ for Joshua and for me. I knew that my strength was not sufficient
enough to give Joshua all he needed in this life. I placed my trust and faith in Christ’s
atonement to give all I had for Joshua, and watched in wonder as the rest of
Joshua’s needs (physically, spiritually and emotionally) were met by sacrifice
and love given throughout his life by loving hands of family, friends and
strangers. Henry B. Eyring, stated “We need strength beyond ourselves to keep
the commandments in whatever circumstance life brings to us.” (Henry B. Eyring, Ensign, May 2004). I was
given the gift of that strength every day.
There
is also a scripture in the Pearl of Great
Price that reads: “And we will prove
them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God
shall command them.” (Abraham 3:25.)
This
was an extremely difficult task and journey to raise a child with
disabilities. I learned throughout this
journey that this was a blessing and a privilege and my Heavenly Father
expected me to make sure Joshua’s life was full of happiness and joy, through
accomplishment and experiences, and through the love of the world around
him. There was no doubt that I needed
strength beyond myself to accomplish this.
I am thankful every day for the sacrifice and strength of others that
allowed me to accomplish this very special assignment. There were many things I desired for Joshua
throughout his life, but the things I desired the most for Joshua was that he
would know and feel he was loved and to have a happy life. People gave him that happiness, that love and
the joy which filled him with purpose and importance.
My
journey with Joshua, that had already been filled with more beauty than I had
realized, now became an even more joyous adventure, day by day. Although extremely difficult, heart-wrenching
and exhausting, my life with Joshua became one of unity, joy and purpose. I depended daily on the strength and love from
above, along with the strength, sacrifice and love from many family members,
friends and strangers whose loving hands lifted me, bringing me renewed
strength and deep gratitude and joy.
My
broken dreams vanished, as new and beautiful hopes and dreams came in to
view. So as I contemplated on the
questions and desires I had for Joshua’s life when he was born, I realized that
the questions had stayed the same, but the answers had changed.