Aggression, Throwing and Learning

1986 - 1988 --

Aggression, Throwing and Learning ---

I wish I knew (and at times I do) what could bring him to severe agitation one minute
and pure love the next.

At the age of three years old, Joshua was approximately the same age as a 12 to 18 month old.  Later at the age of 15 years (and many experiences later), he had progressed enough that he was the same age level as a two to six year old.  He could say two to three word sentences, repeat the ABCs (with prompts) and count to 10 and sometimes even 20.  With the help of great school teachers, he had learned simple games on his computer — which he absolutely loved He could draw a circle (or an “O”), a straight line (or an “l) and was excited to draw and write more.  He loved to watch his favorite video tapes and/or TV programs, jumping on the trampoline and playing any kind of ball game.  However, he could not pedal or steer a bike, or write his name, or do simple math.

I was working full-time with two young sons, and a husband who was going through school.  Joshua was still in a diaper.  He did not always sleep through the night, and he was an early riser.  Joshua did not understand so many things.  He was aggressive, and he loved to throw things.  We bought him a miniature basketball court so he could throw the ball into the net.  He loved playing basketball, and he continued to love throwing anything and everything.  He loved to play with people’s ears, and with his love of throwing, and his love of ears, I could not wear earnings for a while as more than once my earrings had been thrown across the chapel at church or just thrown somewhere.

I could not let go of Joshua’s hand in a public place or he would be in danger of either running out into the street, or getting lost.  I was in wonder at Jeremy, 2 years younger than Joshua, who would walk obediently beside me at parks, stores, church, etc., as I was constantly trying to keep hold of Joshua’s hand or if I lost it for a moment, I was surely the next moment chasing him as he ran out of control.  For the rest of his life, every day, was spent keeping Joshua safe, and happy, in countless and various ways.

Joshua was like a hurricane, or tornado.  Wherever Joshua went he can and did leave a trail of destruction.  He could mess up a room faster than anyone I knew.  He knocked things off of walls, pushed everything off the table, ripped wallpaper, spilled things and left his mark.  At times it was intentional, and at other times he just didn’t realize that the ball he threw hit a certain picture on the wall or knocked something off the table.  He would also grab me, Mike or his younger brothers and sister and hit them or scream and throw tantrums.  A room could instantly change upon his presence.  At other times, he could walk in a room and hug everyone and walk with his special walk and leave a trail of love.  You never knew which trail you would get.  I wish I knew (and at times I do) what could bring him to severe agitation one minute and pure love the next.

The Autism Diagnosis

1987-1989 --

The Autism Diagnosis ---

The word “autism” seemed like a monster to me.

It was a small word with enormous consequences.

Joshua having fun with his younger, yet "older," brother Jeremy

During these first few years at his new special education school I continued my search for a diagnosis.  At one point, a friend of mine gave me some information on autism, and suggested I look into that.  The description of autism was the first “label” that began to make sense.  Although Joshua did not fit all of the characteristics of autism, he fit into more than half of the characteristics.

  

A definition of autism from the Autism Society of America at the time was as follows:

  

Every person with autism is an individual, and like all individuals, has a unique personality and combination of characteristics. Some individuals who are mildly affected may exhibit only slight delays in language and greater challenges with social interactions. They may have difficulty initiating and/or maintaining a conversation. Their communication is often described as talking at others instead of to them (e.g., monologue on a favorite subject that continues despite attempts by others to interject comments). 

People with autism also process and respond to information in unique ways. In some cases, aggressive and/or self-injurious behavior may be present. Persons with autism may also exhibit some of the following traits:

• Insistence on sameness; resistance to change
• Difficulty in expressing needs; using gestures or pointing instead of words
• Repeating words or phrases in place of normal, responsive language
• Laughing (and/or crying) for no apparent reason; showing distress for reasons not apparent to others
• Preference to being alone; aloof manner
• Tantrums
• Difficulty in mixing with others
• Not wanting to cuddle or be cuddled
• Little or no eye contact
• Unresponsive to normal teaching methods
• Sustained odd play
• Spinning objects
• Obsessive attachment to objects
• Apparent over-sensitivity or under-sensitivity to pain
• No real fears of danger
• Noticeable physical over-activity or extreme under-activity
• Uneven gross/fine motor skills
• Non-responsive to verbal cues; acts as if deaf, although hearing tests are in normal range

(“Characteristics of Autism,” Autism Society of America, website www.autism-society.org).

At the age of 6, Joshua’s doctor confirmed this diagnosis and he was officially labeled as autistic.  Joshua did fit about more than half of the characteristics of autism, such as insistence on sameness; difficulty in expressing needs; repeating words or phrases; tantrums; unresponsive to normal teaching methods; obsessive attachment to objects; under-sensitivity to pain; no real fear of danger; noticeable physical over-activity; and uneven gross/fine motor skills. 

To go along with autism, Joshua was also diagnosed as severely mentally impaired and hyperactive.

The word “autism” seemed like a monster to me.  It was a small word with enormous consequences.  This word labeled my son, and seemed to take away hope and joy.  How was I going to raise a child with autism, a disability that the world was still struggling to understand, and a disability that I knew nothing about?  For a time, Joshua’s newly diagnosed disability and the immense effort it took to raise him felt so overwhelming and lonely.

But we had some unique and wonderful blessings with Joshua — he was happy!  He was loving!  I was thankful daily for this great blessing, because it kept me going.  I knew that even when progress was slow, and it usually was, Joshua could have a happy life.  I could take him to the park, let him play and run free — just like he wanted to — and enjoy life!  I could teach him about love and acceptance.  We could meet people and say hi and shake their hands.  I had no idea at that time how severe challenges could become even greater blessings.



Beginning a Life of Doctors and Schools

1986 --

Beginning a Life of Doctors and Schools ---

I was beginning to realize that Joshua's life and our lives had taken a dramatic turn
and the future was very uncertain and frightening. 
I had no idea how to raise a child with disabilities.  

Life was busy and amazing with my two little boys. I continued to work full-time to put Michael through flight training. We had the typical hopes and dreams for our boys and for our future. I was also serving as Primary President in the North Hollywood III Ward. I was definitely being stretched to learn and do things I had never imagined. And I was beginning my special journey to discover the very special heart inside my beautiful son.

At this time, we began taking Joshua to many doctors. The first positive test result came when one doctor found that both of his ears had excessive fluid in them. He prescribed a strong medication to clear up the fluid. Our hopes were high! He had not been hearing very well! We were waiting for big changes in his behavior following the clearing up of his ears. The ears cleared up after a few weeks, but his behavior seemed to worsen rather than improve.

Joshua went to speech therapy for several months, but we saw no improvement and he had difficulty working with the teacher. I searched for a diagnosis. His doctor ordered various tests, which were difficult and time consuming. One test showed that his frontal lobe was smaller than normal, but there was no indication that this test result would be the reason for the delays in his progression. Another test result detailed an“unusual gait” in his left leg, which made him walk with a slight limp (if you were to look closely or if he were to run fast).

Joshua was becoming increasingly hyperactive and difficult to control. I was in awe of his little brother Jeremy as he progressed normally and without incident. There was no doubt by this time that there was a serious problem. Joshua’s doctor did not seem overly concerned, and even asked why I was so anxious to get a diagnosis. I explained to him that if I had a diagnosis, then I would better know how to deal with the problem. At this point in my life, I did not have education on disabilities, and wasn’t quite ready to accept the diagnosis of any type of disability. Yet at the same time, I was anxious as I wanted help, wanted to know how to raise this very special boy.

I remember clearly the day the doctor recommended that Joshua attend a special education school. He was 3½ years old. He was still in a diaper, and showed no recognition, interest or desire in toileting. He was extremely hyperactive and still did not talk nor understand much of what was said around him. His hand had to be constantly held or he would run away. This was a constant fear as he ran very fast, and had no fear, and needed to be protected at every moment. This was one of many missions of mine, to keep Joshua safe.

Joshua was so adorable as I walked him into his new school. A few moments after walking into the school, the reality of Joshua’s situation hit me like a ton of bricks as I looked around me, and saw all of these beautiful children with their various disabilities. I saw these sweet little children, some in wheelchairs, others agitated, others obviously mentally handicapped, and I just wanted to run far away and cry. I saw crushed hopes and dashed dreams. I cried and my heart ached. I could barely get through the first introductions and meetings with his teachers. As I was in my own home later that day, all of my fear, sorrow and loss showed itself through my flow of tears.

I had just begun a grieving process, that at the time I was completely unaware of. I was beginning to realize that Joshua's life and our lives had taken a dramatic turn and the future was very uncertain and frightening. I had no idea how to raise a child with disabilities. And his disability loomed very large, and for a time it was easy to see what Joshua could not do, and would never be able to do. But with all the emotions I was experiencing, my resolve and determination to give him a happy life also loomed large. I loved Joshua so much. I wanted to understand him. And I really wanted him to feel safe, happy and loved.

Joshua had wonderful teachers, and they worked hard with him, but general progress was slow. Speech was also slow, if hardly anything at all. They had performances and/or programs at school, which we loved to see, but always Joshua’s hand had to be held or he would run away. He loved to run and he could now run fast and far. He could run far, far away! He did not understand that he could get lost or hurt. He seemed to need to be on the go and on the run, always.

Jeremy John Eisenstat

1985 --

Jeremy John Eisenstat ---

I thought about how special it was that my first two children had the very same birthday.
I knew this was meaningful, and I felt there was a reason.

On January 26, 1985, during Joshua’s 2^nd birthday party, things became very exciting when just 15 minutes after the party began, my water broke!  That certainly did liven up an already fun party!  I was 38 weeks along, and was not due for two more weeks.  In fact, it's the most exciting party I've ever been too!!  It even took me a minute to realize what had just happened. The party started at 2:00; my water broke about 2:15 and so we quickly went to open gifts, but then my contractions started and we left for the hospital. Jeremy John Eisenstat was born at 6:06pm in the same hospital as Joshua, and we even had the same nurse. What a wonderful, beautiful day!!

My brother Doug, age 14, said about that party:   "I will never forget that day....I actually saw Selma in what appeared to me at the time, to be peeing her pants more than anyone could ever pee their pants....  She was hooking up the net on the ping pong table. I was under the table and glanced up at the right time.....or wrong time depending on how you look at at."

My sister Cynthia, age 17, said:  "Last Saturday, I was thinking about Joshua's 2nd birthday party. I remember all the preparations Selma was working on for the party at our house, and then the announcement that her water broke. Maybe Jeremy wanted to be invited to Joshua's party, too! That was an exciting day!"

My niece Lydia, age 4-1/2 at the time said:  "I remember that day. One of my first memories."

My sister Susie said:  "So, Dad was the funniest. He kept pacing up and down the hall saying, "What are we going to do . . . what are we going to do?" Like he hadn't gone through this 12 times previous with his own kids, and 3 times previous with grandkids!"

I thought about how special it was that my first two children had the very same birthday.  I knew this was meaningful, and I felt there was a reason.  As the years passed, I came to realize more and more the blessings that came to Joshua because of the love and kindness shown by Jeremy and his friends as they would always celebrate with Joshua and include him too.

These two beautiful boys filled my heart with joy. They looked like brothers, but also had their very own unique personalities.  Jeremy seemed to progress very quickly.  In fact, with how quickly he learned things, I began to realize the vast difference in these two boys.

This was a very busy and demanding time as I continued to work full-time.  In planning for my dad's retirement, my parents were planning to move to St. George.  My mom was able to babysit Joshua and Jeremy for a while, but I was very concerned as I knew this would not be for long.  I was very blessed to find a wonderful babysitter, Sharon Pike, who watched Joshua and Jeremy, and my friend Deresa's boys, Michael and Matthew, for the rest of the time we lived in California.

I was also very concerned that Joshua did not pay attention to Jeremy.  It was very strange that Joshua seemed to not even realize there was a baby around. One of the things that concerned me was when he would throw a basketball into the bassinet, not to throw it at the baby, but because it was an ideal “basket” and we could tell there was no realization that a baby was inside. To him, it was just somewhere to throw the ball. His pediatrician told us not to worry as many toddlers digressed when a sibling was born. As I tried to believe my doctor, my heart somehow knew that some of Joshua’s actions were not adjustments to a new sibling, but actually indications of a much bigger problem. 
Joshua also did not hug.  My heart ached for a hug from my son and as I watched other toddlers give their Moms tight hugs, I so ached for my own hugs, that I began teaching Joshua how to hug.  I would place his small arms and hands around my neck and hold them together for my own mother’s hug from my son.  We repeated and practiced this hug for several years.

Then one beautiful day, as my sister Anna was over visiting, I went to give my own hug to Joshua, and, my heart thrilled as for the first time I received my very own precious hug completely given by my Joshua, without any help.  I had no idea at the time that this would be the beginning of years of big hugs as the enlarged heart inside this beautiful little boy was just beginning to manifest itself.  I received the purest, most loving hugs from that day forward, throughout Joshua’s entire life, and through the time of his death.  My heart still aches for my very special Joshua hugs.

... my heart thrilled as for the first time I received my very own precious hug completely given by my Joshua, without any help.

Cousin time continued to be one of our favorite times.  We only lived about 70 miles from Susie and Kyle, and their cute kids, Lydia, Lisa and John.  We loved celebrating holidays and birthdays together, and anything else we could plan to be together.  The cousins really loved each other, and especially John and Joshua had a very special bond.  My heart has always felt much gratitude and joy as John would always call Joshua his "funnest cousin."

Joshua's 2nd Year

1984 --

Joshua's 2nd Year---

By the time he was two years old, his speech had digressed and he was saying only one word, “ball” (sounding more like“bah”) and seemed to be digressing in overall child development. 

Joshua and his best cousin John

Joshua's 1st birthday party was so fun!  We borrowed a large bulky video camera to capture some of the moments.  We had many family and friends there and enjoyed this very special 1st birthday.  We continued with the "Larson tradition" of letting Joshua dig in to his own birthday cake with no worries about getting messy! 

When he was about 14 months old we were a little concerned that he was not yet walking, in fact he was very clumsy.  My doctor said not to be worried, and that some babies did not walk until 18 months.  In fact, my own mom did not walk until she was 18 months old.  It was difficult though as some of our closest friends had an adorable little boy, Gregg, who was six months younger than Joshua and walked when he was only eight months old.  I did begin feeling some concern.

 Joshua began saying about 10 words by 15 months.  He said “Mama,” “Dada,” “ball,” “bottle,” “Joshua” and others.  This was very exciting and I loved hearing him talk.  We always laughed that from the very beginning one of his favorite words was "ball."  In fact, he never did forget how to say this very fun and important word.  He loved any kind of ball!  And he really, really loved throwing them too!!

Joshua and his cousin John were beginning to play together. My sister Susie and I just knew they were going to be best cousins! Lydia, Lisa, John and Joshua were quite a fun and exciting team!  They were often joined by their Uncle Mark, who was just a few years older than them.  This was a sweet time. 

About this time I found out I was expecting a second baby.  I was so excited.  I had the usual morning sickness, and with working full-time and chasing Joshua, I was often very exhausted.  I really was hoping for a brother for Joshua and could already envision the closeness they would have!

Then at last, when he was 18 months old, Joshua began to walk.  As excited as we were, even in our first naive years as parents, we realized that he was not learning the basic aspects of walking such as pulling himself up and he was also very clumsy.  We noticed a big difference between his slow progress and children much younger than him learning much more quickly.

About this time we also noticed that his fine motor skills were not progressing very well.  He could not turn knobs or play with toys meant for children his age and younger.  It was very hard not to compare him with other children, but in this comparison, we became more and more concerned.  By the time he was two years old, his speech had digressed and he was saying only one word, “ball” (sounding more like “bah”) and seemed to be digressing in overall child development. 

On my 23rd birthday, November 26, 1984, my sweet Grandma Selma Larson passed away quietly in her sleep one morning.  I cried and was so sad for this temporary separation with my loving grandma.  But I also knew that she was joyously reunited with her wonderful husband, Carl Larson, who had died many years before.  We were sad for us, but very happy for her.  At the time I was about 30 weeks pregnant and was also sad that my grandma would not meet my new baby.  I have always been very thankful she was able to know Joshua.

I was so thankful that he continued to be so well cared for at my parents' house while I continued to work.  He LOVED his papa, grandma, uncles and aunts so much.  They played with him, laughed with him, took him many, many places and most importantly, loved him!

And I continued to be completely in love with this very special boy.  I loved holding him.  I loved playing ball with him.  I loved taking him to the park --- probably more than he loved going to the park.  (Little did I know just how many parks I would eventually take him too!)  He loved the slides, the swings, running and playing. 

I loved taking him anywhere.  He was so handsome.  He was so fun. 

And I absolutely loved being a mom! 

Joshua's 1st Year

1983 - Joshua's 1st Year---

Little did I know how throwing anything and everything

was going to be such a huge part of his life!

Joshua's first year was wonderful, exhausting, beautiful, exciting and precious.  I loved holding this cute, cuddly and handsome little boy.  I loved cooing at him and making him smile and laugh.  I felt great joy in this first year of progression.  Joshua sat up at about six months, and crawled shortly after.  It was so exciting to watch him learn and grow.  Crawling provided a whole new freedom and he loved to explore and enjoy life!

Joshua seemed very wiggly, but this seemed typical of most babies his age.  He also loved to throw things.  Little did I know how throwing anything and everything was going to be such a huge part of his life!

Joshua was the 4th grandchild for my parents, and the 2nd grandchild of Michael's parents.  Both sets of grandparents loved this new precious baby.  In fact, I have a sweet memory of my dad sitting at the foot of my hospital bed grinning with joy the day Joshua was born.  And since I had 11 brothers and sisters, each one of them also embraced and completely loved Joshua.  My sister Susie had two-year old twin girls (Lydia and Lisa), and a new baby boy also (John), who was only three months older than Joshua.  We were very excited for these cousins to play together someday!

And my sweet and gentle Grandma Selma Larson, who I was so honored to be named after, loved to call me often to ask how Joshua was doing.  She would say Joshua's name with her beautiful Swedish accent.  One day she was worried she was calling too much, but I cherished these wonderful phone calls.  When Joshua was a baby, we were able to take a Four Generation Picture of my Grandma, my Dad, me and Joshua.  This is a priceless treasure.

I was so blessed to have my Mom available and willing to watch Joshua while I continued to work full-time.  To know he was so well cared for by my amazing mother (who had 12 children of her own) brought much comfort as leaving him every day for work was very difficult.  But I knew that he was well loved by my Mom & Dad and the other 8 children still at home.  He went to  ball games, graduations, and many other activities and listened to piano lessons probably every day.  Joshua was definitely spoiled with love!

Joshua was adorable with these chunky fat cheeks that hung down just a bit. 

He was so kissable and huggable.

He was beautiful.

And he was wonderful!

Joshua's Birth

January 26, 1983 -- Joshua's Birth Day!
--First Born Son of Michael & Selma Eisenstat

I had the typical questions, hopes and dreams of new parents. Who would Joshua be? 

My Grandma Selma loved Joshua!

My first baby was due on February 3, 1983.  In the beginning of my pregnancy I was extra nervous because of a heart-breaking miscarriage the year before.  But thankfully this was a more normal pregnancy with fatigue, morning sickness and weight gain!  At the time I was working full-time as a secretary at an accounting firm.  On Wednesday, January 26, 1983 at 2:30 a.m. I woke up and felt some type of a pain.  Then 20 minutes later I felt another and then once again 20 minutes later.  Well, we started getting really excited.  I called my Mom and told her what was happening and she said it sounded similar to her labor pains.  Suddenly at 3:30 in the morning I felt very apprehensive and excited.  I stayed in bed to try to get some sleep in between the labor pains.  But that didn't happen since by about 4:00 they were 10 minutes apart and continued to stay that way until about 8:30 a.m. The pains increased to a range of 4 to 7 minutes apart and lasted almost one minute each.  We were patient for about an hour before finally calling the doctor.  I also then called my work to let them know I wouldn't be there that day (my last day of work was suppose to be January 31st).  At 9:30 a.m. we called Dr. Mount, but he said they sounded like false labor because they weren't very regular.  But right after I hung up the phone the pains became much worse.  So we called him back at 10:00 a.m. and he said for us to go to the hospital, and that he would meet us there.  We arrived at Burbank Community Hospital at 10:30 a.m.  It was extremely difficult being in a car and having labor pains.  It felt like we would never get there.  The nurses took me right up while Michael filled out the papers to admit me into the hospital.  The pains were getting worse, but the nurses were very gentle and understanding.  The nurse checked me and said I was at 5 centimeters, and that the baby would probably arrive at about 2:00 that afternoon.  But then I had a really bad labor pain, and asked for something for the pain, but the nurse said if she gave me something, then the baby would arrive before Dr. Mount arrived.  So I tried really hard to relax, but it became very difficult.  And then just 10 minutes after the nurse had said I was at 5 centimeters, she checked me again and I was fully dilated.  Everyone and everything was suddenly in fast motion as they prepared me for the Delivery Room.  My doctor still had not arrived and things were happening very quickly.  The doctor finally arrived, but it really was close, as the baby came very fast. 

At 11:40 (approximately) the water bag came out, and then the head and body.  The baby was actually born at 11:45 a.m..  The moment had finally arrived to find out if it was a boy or a girl.  Dr. Mount turned the baby toward me and said "It's a boy."  It was a beautiful moment to hear those precious words!  The doctor then put him on my stomach just a minute after he was born and then the nurses cleaned him.  My hands were still fastened down but I was able to give him a kiss.  There is hardly a word to describe the beautiful feeling as I became a mother.  The feeling of Joshua being born was indescribable.  It truly is a partnership with God.  I loved Joshua so much already and felt so very blessed and humbled to be his mother.  He had a dimple in his chin, just like me and my dad, and he was so handsome!!

I was so happy and excited to be a mother.  I had dreamed of this moment all of my life and I was now completely full of love and wonder at my beautiful and handsome newborn son.  He immediately captured my heart and the hearts of all of his family from the day he was born.  He was what you would consider a “normal” baby.  He kept us up at night a lot during the first few months, smiled after about six weeks, loved to be held and talked to, giggled and laughed.  He was already a bright light in my life and I loved him with all of my heart. 

As a young mother, it was so fun to watch him grow and to anticipate the future.  I had the typical questions, hopes and dreams of new parents.  Who would Joshua be?  Would he be handsome?  Would he be a good student in school?  Would he excel in sports?  Would he have good friends?  Where would he serve his mission?  Who would he marry?